I did something new today. I went to a counselor. After a doctor visit two weeks ago, my doctor suggested counseling. And I have to be honest, I was not hesitant, I need an impartial person to handle all that is going on in my world. Which at times, I do not juggle well at all. In fact, the plates crash to the ground.
I will go once a month to get started. That is really all I can afford at the moment. Today was just get to know me day. She even asked me about my dogs. (I firmly believe if you are a woman, you should see a woman - a man see a man)
On one of the lines of the paperwork I filled out before the appointment it asked about family, I replied "There is not enough room on this page." Or something like that. I called the forms "self evaluation" - it made me look at my life. Already seeing areas I could improve in and such. I am a fixer, I need to stop or is that a pleaser? Maybe the same thing. I had to write my weaknesses and my strengths and when you think about it, what makes you strong makes you weak. Then my goals I want out of therapy.
There was a statement at the end as you progress some sessions will be hard to handle and will be very emotional. Too bad I cannot go when I am having one of those days. Just show up out of the blue - knock knock "Hello, I am having a bad day." But I cannot. So I will write here or in my prayer journal.
I have hurt my back severely. But insurance will not approve any further tests and such until I do Physical Therapy, twice a week for six weeks, of which I cannot afford. I am so discouraged about my back and my weight gain.
And I am smack dab in the start of menopause. Some women are telling me "I am in year nine." "Year 10" How encouraging. I have always been cold natured, now I am hot a lot - and I wake up with soaking wet hair and clothes. Talk about misery.
Mom is still bedridden, but eating and swallowing. I do not like taking pictures of her in these final stages because I want to remember her stronger, funnier, etc. I took them of my dad and I threw them away. It broke by heart, that wasn't daddy.
I now have extra care on Saturday and Sunday. I am getting out on Saturday and going to church Sunday. We just started this week. We were thrown off due to time change and schedule change, but we will get there. It felt like going home when I sat down in a chair, seeing my church friends and family. Man, I have missed it. I try not to feel guilty about someone missing church so I can go, but the agency will use a different person each Sunday so it is not a constant thing for one person. That does make me feel better. Every caregiver is on unique. I love them all. And so funny. Last weekend we had an old school caregiver. I never ask them to clean my house or anything. Their job is mom. But everyone of them goes above and beyond. I am so blessed.
I am praying for Tori and Sam. Man, I want to see some wise decisions soon. Sam is one inch away from the Army, literally. He has to lose an inch. He is not giving up, I am so proud of them for that. Tori - oh my Tori. I know you will read this. You know what I am talking about. You are boxing yourself in.
I will try to update more often. Hope all is well with everyone.
God Bless.
B.
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