Monday, October 31, 2011

Today I am very sad.

Mom had a horrible horrible weekend. I am tired, sad, and so discouraged.

I hate this disease. I hate what it does to the person and the family.

I see no good in it. To go through it with Dad and now again with mom - it doesn't seem fair. I so miss my dad - I try to think how he would handle all of this.

In today's world we have inventions and discoveries that we marvel at. We have people winning awards for discoveries, treatments and cures. Why can't we find someting that is for the mind? The one thing that controls the whole body? People have heart transplants, liver transplants, - they can live with one kidney. But you can't live without your mind.

I have been reading a blog today - the questions they pose for caregivers are challenging.

  • Imagine you not knowing what day, what month, what year it is?

  • Imagine you not knowing who the person in front of you cooking your meal is?

  • Imagine you not remembering that all of sisters are gone? Or your husband - and you set the table for him?

  • Imagine you not being able to think of the name for "shoes" or "shirt" or "milk".

I am a caregiver...this week I am one with a resentful attitude. I love my mother. But I am so tired.

  • How can you help a caregiver?

  • Can you prepare a meal?

  • Can you sit with the patient so the caregiver can go to a movie or to dinner?

  • Can you take the patient out to eat or for a drive?

  • Can you pray? Do you pray?

***I am not asking for anyone to do these things for us - but look around you - caregivers and patients of all ages and problems are around you.

As a caregiver I must learn to be patient, forgive myself when I am not or when I make a mistake-and boy do I make them. I need to treat mom as I want to be treated - with respect, love and gentleness. To baby her when needed, to be firm when necessary. Sleep when she sleeps (it is exactly like having a toddler - never wake up an Alzheimer patient - she slept 10 hours last night - I couldn't sleep worrying about her waking up). I need for her to excercise - walk more - she seems to do better if we walk.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Mom got up at 1:00 ready to get up - I told her "Mom it is 1:00 - go back to bed." she said..."No Becky it is 3:00 in the morning..." I said, 1:00 or 3:00 go back to bed" - she huffed. She was up and down all night and felt the need to share her being awake.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Today I am tired and sad. Mom had a rough night last night. I don't even have the words to describe it.

Maybe after I think about it - I will find the humor in some of it - but right now I am struggling with guilt, anger, exhaustion, feelings of failure and no telling what else!

I hate hate hate Alzheimer's.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Mom and the nasty house......

Yesterday after work - I go to mom's - praying she is in a good state of mind and that she doesn't want to come to my house and that I don't have to make her come to my house. (Is that selfish or what? I was so tired from the night before - she was up all night!)

Well - YEAH! She was in pretty good shape. She doesn't want to leave - I decided she will be fine. But she ruined the moment.....
"Becky, I stayed at a house last night - it was the nastiest house I have ever seen!"

IT WAS MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and it is not nasty!)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I am so tired today. Mom was literally up all night every hour on the hour. I think she has her days and nights mixed up.

I literally hate this disease. I was thinking last night - her memory was really bad - it must feel like hell on earth to be trapped inside your mind. There are somethings she remembers so clearly - but there are times she can't remember five minutes before.

When I first picked her up - she was very mean mom!
2 hours later - still mean
3 hours later - pitiful mom
4 hours later - sleepy mom

The rest of the hours...WIDE AWAKE MOM
More like mom........

I am sure I am more like my mom than I want to think......

This morning I was putting together in the crock pot beef stew for tonights dinner - I brown my meat before hand with a little oil and flour - makes it a tad thicker. Mom spent the night (though she didn't sleep - another post!) she was s watching me - she said "You make your stew just like me."

That had me to thinking....

My kitchen cabinets/drawers are pretty much arranged like hers. (though now in her Alzheimer state - she rearranged everything last week- and it absolutely messed me up!) Even how my refrigerator is arranged is like hers.

I have started keeping paper plates/cups/forks on the cabinet for the kids to use for sandwhiches instead of messing up dishes and such everytime they grab a snack. She has always done that.

I am sure there are more things that I get from her...

Here is how we are different....

I group canned goods by the food- no mixing peas with the corn, etc. She does not.
I fold towels tighter - she does not
She color codes her clothes - I don't know if this is on purpose - but she does.

I don't know...kind of a weird post...but mind is everywhere today.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Mom and Deputy Williams.......

Yesterday was just a bad day for mom - she called me about 20 times! I was going over to her house right after work to pick her up - I told her that - but I had to stop at Wal-Mart to pick up some medicine - while in Wal-Mart - I get a call again - it is mom.....

Or so I thought.....

I said (thankfully I was really patient or I thought I was anyway) without her saying a word...."Mom I am at Wal-Mart - I will be there in a few minutes - then we are going to my house to cook pork chops, ok?" Well a male voice came on the other end (I almost passed out)..."Mam, pork chops sound good, but this is Deputy Williams from the Sheriff's office - your mom in trying to make calls today had called 911 about 12 times and we wanted to check on her...she is fine......."

I thanked him - told him I was on my way to pick her up and take her home with me. He just laughed.

Mom had more good days than bad.

Tori would listen to advice...I may be right.

For a miracle!

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Can she read?

Our dog Kylee (she is a poodle - cocker mix - with dashes of other things I'm sure!) is so funny. She brings much laughter to our little family.

She does have a few faults....

She sheds - and how! Whew.

She chews bed covers - poor Sam - his comforter looks like it has been in a closet with a moth or two for months on end.

She chews shoes - don't even think about leaving a shoe out!

She chews books! And let me tell you - she's selective. She will pull one off the shelf! Or she will pull a magazine from the rack. She has no shame...yesterday it was a magazine -and all this morning - I still kept finding pieces of paper all over the house.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The Skittle Lady....

Steve and I worked the concession stand at Sam's game last night. We don't mind at all - we actually enjoy it.

There is one lady who works - she seems to only sell the candy.....I left with nacho cheese on my shirt, jeans. I cooked cheese sticks - and disinfected cabinets.

I appreciate the Skittle lady...I want to be her.

(but maybe I am not meant to sell the candy - maybe I am meant to be behind the scenes and away from that is food for thought!)
Conversations with mom......... ( I have shared with several folks - but I want to remember - too funny - I laugh to keep from crying!)

My conversation with mom last night...,.

Becky Bring me some tylenol.

Mom I just left your house - brought you groceries and such. Made you a sandwich and fruit. Will bring you Tylenol tomorrow. Take the generic.

I don't like generic. You didn't come over. Bring Tylenol on your way home.

Mom, I am home, I am not getting back out.

Well, Becky if you have a cold - you need to stay away.

Ha ha ha.

Yesterday morning Conversation

Becky What day is it?





NO - Monday - M - O- N- D-A-Y (spelled it out yelling into phone)

Oh, okay, Saturday.

Becky, that woman who lives with Steve called me wants me to come to dinner. I just don't like her. (Steve is my husband for those who may not know)

I will be in therapy one day. ha ha ha ha

Monday, October 03, 2011

She maybe forgetful....


Mom still remembers my phone number.....

Mom still remembers she like Hostess Chocolate Donettes......

Mom still remembers she likes Coffemate creamer......

Mom sill remembers she likes Ponds cold cream......
Handling pressure.....handling stress....

I readily admit I am not good at it at all.

So much is happening of, Tori's wreck, finances, job stress, every day life...but it just seems we have had so much hit us that it is hard to handle. Hard not to be discouraged.

I struggle with feeling guilty -because we have so much to be thankful for....I recently learned from a friend that a mutual friend of ours has a hard time balancing life....

So it is not just me....