Sunday, August 28, 2016

Dear beautiful girl

Dear beautiful girl...I'm watching you, like  me, you are trying to make yourself invisible. Like me, you have weight to lose-I'm sure it's an up and down battle. I see you looking at the other two girls your age and I'm glad to see you are friends with one. Do not compare yourself to others. It's a hard trap to escape. A hard cycle to break. I'm proud of you for what you are doing. Hopefully I will see you again, if nothing else I hope to be here at least 30-60 min 4 times a week. When you look in the mirror, I want you to see your beautiful skin and shiny hair. Green eyes and a pretty smile. God created you. Walk with confidence. You are His child. His creation. Your purpose today? To inspire me.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

I'm such a good mom

Sam laughs at me when I tell him this. It's a joke between us. 


I've read and listened to a lot on discouragement, depression and strength this week. 





I've been through more than some less than most. I'm not a beauty...but I'm stronger 

Friday, August 26, 2016

Exhaustion, sadness and then some

I'm trying a headset for the first time or an ear piece I should say.

Things are not all that great today. No sleep. Alzheimer's in full force today. And a lot more. I really do not like sharing pics of myself, I'm not that pretty...but I do want grandchildren on up to know what I look like. 😳😝😏


Monday, August 22, 2016


You just need to hear a voice. A gift.


It's 9:55 pm. I haven't sat down. Had senior parent meeting after work. Well, I came home, cooked breakfast for dinner, then went to meeting, then to the store. 

Dishes, laundry, changing mom, giving her a snack, getting lunches ready for tomorrow, and dog duty....

Yet I suffer from insomnia! 🙄

Sunday, August 21, 2016


Mom was pretty much up all night. She had a fever and was so restless. She finally went to sleep around 3:30 ish. 

Soooooo tired.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Killing Reagan

Tori bought this for me. Mr. O pulls no punches. I've stopped watching the news, this election makes me ill. I can say Cavuto, Gretchen Carlson and Mr. O are about the most fair on Fox. Fox has a lot of mess to clean up. 

Back to book---prologue broke my heart and captured my mind. It's fair and tough. 


What a difference!

20 degrees cooler than a week ago. One can breathe outside. 


Mrs. Beasley

I had a Mrs. Beasley Doll when I was little. I sure would like to have one now. Crazy is it not? I'm sure mom gave away at some point, she was not a sentimental sort. 


Friday Night Lights

A year of lasts....out last 1st home game. 
Cardinals won 42-8 - whoop whoop. If not on the field, Sam paces. I do the same at work if I'm sorting out a problem.



Caregiver in the final stages

It is Saturday. I am so lonely and so sad. Caregiving in the final stages is different. The cues on what is needed and wanted by mom are harder to read. To understand. 

I can remember those long days and nights at the beginning when I prayed she would just sit down for five minutes. When it seemed the medicine prescribed to calm her took forever to work. Now 1/4 th of that same medicine will knock her out for 24 hours. Her appetite is great. No problems swallowing. Mom will call me by name sometimes. 

She is bed ridden. I did hold her up and she took three steps the other night. Remembering one foot in front of the other.  I remembered when those skinny legs moved with her dust mop. 

I don't know if this is the source of my sadness. I have a feeling my caregiving will end as empty nesting officially begins. What will I do? My marriage is not that great. I'm tossing around a second job and online classes.  

If you want to know what my tonight looks like and what my tomorrow will be here are a couple of pics.  Please pray.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Financial stress

Financial stress is hard. I need a miracle. I seem to need one every month. My stronghold. 

Monday, August 15, 2016


Cassy is with Jesus. She went into His arms last Monday..what would have been her 1st day of high school. 


Deep thought 

These guys have played together since 5th grade. Sam is #61 on the left by #15

Live Loved

A quote I keep turning in my head from the Focus on the Family broadcast. 

"Live loved."

In other words, we all have disappointments, experience rejection, moments where we do not like ourselves, where we do not forgive ourselves, feel unworthy. We have to wipe those thoughts and feelings away. Do not allow Satan to remind you of anything --- Jesus has our future. 

Live loved.

We are loved by Jesus. 

Let's live loved, show love and give love. 


Do you know Him? Do you know you are going to Heaven? He died for all our sins! He loves us that much!

Live loved!

Alzheimer's- arrrgghhhh

I had a pastor who said use your "sanctified imagination." Well, I'll say use your "caregiver only in the land of Alzheimer imagination." 

After my time out period, I had to clean mom up..more than a bed bath was required. 😷 

Set up bathroom, shower chair, warm towels, warm bathroom, all that was needed within reach. Wheel chair to potty (praise the Lord just in time) ..potty to shower chair. It 100 lb UFC fighter makes her appearance. As I am washing her (sweating because it feels like a blasted sauna in bathroom) she puts both hands around my neck and chokes me. I had to grip side of tub with one hand, water starts flowing everywhere, my other hand on her shoulder trying to get her to let go. She finally lets go. We wrap up bath all the drying, hair fixing, transferring, and praise Jesus for Seroquel. She snores!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Giving God Control

Early therapy at Sonic  before work. Took Sam to school. Just a lot on my mind. I'm listening to Daily Hope by Rick Warren and the message is on giving all control to God. Meaning everything to God, the smallest detail. 

An example was given of a POW in Vietnam he was held captive, tortured, kept in solitary confinement for 8 years. He used to just want to die, then it hit him to turn to God, to call upon the Heavenly Father he knew, no Bible, no church, no pastor, no missionary, he had only his relationship with Jesus Christ. He said that is how he survived. That is how he made it. So how can he not trust God with daily happenings and things life throws us when he trusted God in his deepest pit? God cares. We should call out to Him, repeat His word back to Him. His promises. Rely on Him. He hears and answer prayer. He will use others and circumstances to grow us. Nothing is too big or too small.

I'm not going to lie, I'm discouraged about things in my life. The needs and the wants. Not feeling good-terrible actually.  Hard to think. Alzheimers-I hate it. Someone I love is going through so many storms and I just want to fix them. Another person is in hospital extremely sick. Our community lost a TBI agent yesterday, we said goodbye to a sweet girl this week, a teenage boy was killed walking down the road-hit by a car, another drowned. Just the wrong place at wrong time. No one's fault. A woman we knew by acquaintance really, who had a life time of valleys died in an accident.  Yet through all this, God is in control. We are to lean on Him. I keep going back to something I heard a few years ago, nothing touches us, our lives and those we love that hasn't filtered like sand through God's fingers. God, forgive me for not appreciating your fingerprints on my life, for not turning to you yesterday when I just wanted to scream a 1,000 times "why?????" Thank you for wiping out tears with your love.

I have a few unspoken prayer requests. 

God bless...


Sunday, August 07, 2016


A sweet young girl in our church was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple years ago. In May, they were told nothing else could be done.  For several months family and friends worked tirelessly to fill a lifetime of memories...prom, balloon rides, driving a Porsche, working at a homeless shelter, buying a meal for a homeless person, a make over, grocercies for a family in need, to witness to others---so much more--all on a bucket list. 

From my Facebook

Just thinking about the impact one young girl had on so many people.  And will do so in years to come. She fulfilled God's plan and's not about us. It is about Him. In all she did she brought glory and honor to Jesus. We do not know how many lives were changed by this brave girl sharing Jesus, except how she touched us individually whether she knew us or not. A sweet shy smile and a bucket list that should humble us all. 

I don't understand why she is finishing so young, it doesn't seem right to me. She will soon be whole and healed in the arms of Jesus; she will hear "well done my good and faithful servant."

Officer Mills

Tomorrow is Tori's first day as a full-time - paid- police officer. She is so excited. She worked so hard. 

I'm happy to see her happy. I am so proud. 

Please pray as she begins her career. She has goals to go further and I do believe she will succeed. Pray for her safety and that of all police officers everywhere. 

Love you Tori. To hear you laughing and to see you so happy warms my heart.

Monday, August 01, 2016


This is my last school year since 1997 when Tori went to kindergarten with a Barbie back pack...a tiny little thing taking charge fast. Sam followed a few years later with a Hot Wheels back pack and light up shoes because they helped him jump higher. 

Soon my girl will be going to police academy and graduating college. 

Sam plans to join the military. 

Mommies when you feel frustrated and tired. When you have three diapers and $10 on a Monday and the gas tank is on E.  When you crawl under the chair at the beauty shop to catch that curl. When your fridge is covered in coloring pages and calendars. When you teach those first Bible verses and read the same story every night. When you make that volcano, proof a paper, call out spelling words for the 100th time, run to the store for a poster board at 9:00 pm, pick up after game snacks, attend programs where your child is the cutest - of course, go through a phone to make sure all is appropriate, wait in the car line every day... Enjoy. It goes way too fast. 

Tori and Sam. I love you.

Thursday, July 28, 2016


I'm at work. Depressed beyond depressed. 

What do I work for? Monday-Friday. Do I need a vacation? A different job? 


Marriage is bumpy to say the least. We had a few smooth weeks. Work stressful. Mom is mom. Declining but not declining. If that makes sense. 

Purpose. What is my purpose? 


Man, sadness has a hold of me today. 

Tuesday, July 05, 2016


We have one room left to paint. I painted the utility room and Steve the former dining/Sams/moms room...I'm calling it my hidey hole room. My retreat room. Or I may turn it back into the dining room. Just need furniture one way or the other. 🙄


Mom is not feeling that great. I can tell.  Heck. 

Friday, July 01, 2016

Just Leave The Phone Apps Alone

Steve has a new phone. He switched from IPhone to Samsung. He has managed to login to accounts, insurance, emails, etc and reset everything. Arrrggghhh!

Thursday, June 30, 2016


I cannot say much, please be in prayer we are being sued for $70,000 from an accident from 2014. So many untruths. It's unreal.

A pretty



I am lonely. I'm trying not to sound like I'm having a pity party. Family and friends do not visit. I do not think it's intentional, I think the thought is there, just not the time. I pray once I have more time, I am sympathetic and intentional to help  those on this journey. I know I need to heal. To rest. I'm tired and drained also. The final stage is hard. Emotionally, I am best down.  Please pray. 

Strong Women


Memes from FB


Brother and Sister

They love each other


 Eliza and her first love. 
 Jordan is a good mom.
 I just love this pic. 😍😊💖🎀
 Sleeping on a hike 
 Love love her. I so want to hold her.

Sweet book