The qualities my son is looking for in a husband for his mother.....
(keep in mind he is nine)

"Mom, it is okay if you date or marry someone with a handsome nice nine year old boy - someone like me, because I would have someone to play with. It is even okay if he has a rude, spoiled brat, selfish 15 year old daughter, but if he has her, he has to have the son, there is no way I am living with two of them and try to handle them on my own." (and no I am not kidding and I will throw an Amen to that one!)

"Mom you need to date and marry, we want a step-dad, I mean so there is someone for you, I will still buy you a house, and he can live there if he wants too. but I am not mowing the yard, he can do that."

"Mom, we don't want you to be lonely. You deserve someone to be nice to you and stuff. And maybe you won't have to work so hard and be tired."

And yes I teared up on that one...

Is he a hoot or what?!

You know you are pathetic...

When your 9-year old son tells you to go to E-Harmony - because he is worried about me.
"Mom, really, don't you like need a life?"

When your 14-year daughter tells you "mom, that guy in the car next to us is checking you out." And your son chimes in "Yeah, mom and look, he is driving an Altima (dream car)"

Yep, that's me, the Charlie Brown of single moms.

I give up.

It is one of my new favorite sounds....

Let me explain.

About once a week, twice if time allows I will check on the home of my kids' great-grandmother. She is not home right now - but between, me, her neighbors, friends, and her church family - we take care of the house.

Her house is two houses down from the train tracks. I used to think it would be totally aggravating to live near railroad tracks - the noise, the vibration, etc.

But oddly it is at the same time lonely yet comforting. Lonely - because a train is on it's own basically. Comforting - because that train has a destination. It is going somewhere - and along the way - it picks up and creates many stories. The train is consistent - at least it seems to be - same times every day - the consistency alone is comforting. (as I write I see what I long for in life!)

An odd note, do you ever notice the graffiti on these things? These people should be in art school - some of it is that good.

Happy Birthday, S.D.!

I love ya!

Becky

Friends....

Girls night. No kids! I went out with friends tonight - it was so much fun. I needed it. We saw No Reservation followed by dinner. We laughed and giggled. 6 different personalities - what a treat. (I am sure we could be heard all around the restaurant - when we were all laughing)

Thank you for a good night my friends!

Love,

Becky

The calendar may say this.....

But in all reality...today is a thinly disguised.....

MONDAY!

This has been one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time. I am worn out all the way around!

Good luck Friday Precious. Go with an open heart and mind. Relax, enjoy the moment - have fun!


Love always,

B.

Will someone please tell me, when my son grew up?

The nerve.

The last thing I remember, 3 years old - head full of curls - and Blue's Clues.

Now he is nine with legs and arms a mile long.

The nerve.

School Supplies....


The list doesn't seem to get shorter as my children age,
It just seems to get more expensive.

Whew! I have several "teacher" friends - so I understand
the need - but it sure is hard.

I am totally looking forward to arguing with my son over homework. Looking forward to trying to figure out how my daughter can listen to the radio, watch TV, talk on the phone, and do homework all at the same time.

I am a person who "thrives" on routine - that is what I am looking forward to - the routine of things. But hey, they are consistent about arguing with me.

"It's Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody...."



Well, heck, that is how I am feeling just at this moment. I am thinking a cup of tea would get me over the thought.

Random thoughts.....

My daughter is home from camp, exhausted, full of stories and still very much a teenage girl.

My son has been so funny all day - it is never dull when you have a nine year old boy around.

I cooked a great meal today. BBQ Ribs, Corn Casserole, green beans, pasta salad and watermelon. It was good. Everyone is full! My son can eat the heck out of ribs - he loves to eat Ribs. And then smack an apron on me and call me Betty Crocker - I made cupcakes. So our house had the delicious combined scents of chocolate and BBQ - only in the south.

My mother and I are not getting along - shocker. We are so different - yet alike-I am not the only anal, obsessive one in my family. I so long for my own space, privacy - surely one day!

My toenails are painted. (Just in case you were worried)

No, no - we don't need June child support. Or July's for that matter. ( Had to throw in this bit of sarcasm - just in case a certain someone reads this and catches a clue-I don't think he does, but hey it's worth a shot)

My car is still sick - thankfully I am driving my nephews car. I need to get it fixed soon. The radio works.

I have agreed to a "blind" date-not even a date - a get together with mutual friends - I am totally nervous - wishing the date could be with the one who holds my heart. (Yes, I know, God's timing, God's plan...not mine...just wishing the hurt would go away- and yes I know it will lessen, or I hope it will) I am sure I will obsess about this until it happens and then afterwards.

My kids want to register for fall soccer.

School starts in about two weeks. Back to homework, packing lunches and getting my son up and awake and mildly alert enough to get ready. My daughter will spend way too much time on her hair.

I don't want to work a 2nd job - no, I am not lazy. Just tired and terribly busy. I go through this every now and then - but so much is happening.

I only received one phone call today - that is rare - and now I am wondering what's up? Where is everyone?

Am I completely old fashioned?

The Sunday School Class I am teaching - 1st and 2nd graders - all of them love dry Captain Crunch (in my case the generic brand) for a snack. Why? But guess what I have for them - yep their favorite. They are so cute.

No, I have not recovered all the plants from the plant thief. (search my blog)

I need a haircut and want highlights. I haven't had my hair professionally highlighted in like forever. Not that I don't appreciate my friends who do it for me - because I am sure I will asking someone - the gray hair is creeping in. UGH!

Our little kitten walks sideways all the time.

My daughter is the only female in America who suffers cramps and shaves her legs.

My son wants the Transformers PlayStation 2 game - he plans to save his money.

I am lonely. It will get better - right?

I can hear all the country sounds - I am right by our living room window - there is something oddly comforting about these sounds.

There you go - now you know why I don't sleep - my mind is never at rest. Now, I am going to find me a cup of tea and my book that has a happily ever after ending (yep, it's fiction and yep, I'm back to being cynical).

Goodnight all.

The color is tangerine...

That is the color of my new nail polish - I can't wait to paint my toes. It is pretty.

(I'm so sure you don't even care - but I love to paint my toe nails)

Friday night shopping...

I went to do our household shopping tonight after work. It was me and about 5000 other people. Or at least their cars - took me forever to find a parking place...the number of cars did not seem to match the number of people in the store.

But after all said and done...I am about $120 poorer...but we do have groceries and toilet paper. And we will have clean clothes for a few weeks. Hopefully all these groceries will last us for a month or so. They will have to - and if we run out...I will tell my kids....go get a magazine...just look at pictures of food. :) Geesh, milk and orange juice are out of this world!

My daughter must be sick...

She is at youth camp..they had one night at the mall..she didn't buy anything.

I am sure there is a cure....

My son' s thoughts on brushing his teeth...

"You always tell me to brush my teeth, this is getting really old."

"Why do I have to use toothpaste?"

"gag, gag, gag, this is awlful"

"What's the use...not like I'm gonna be kissing anyone in this lifetime."

"Who invented this?"

"You hate me don't you?"

My peace in the park interrupted....

Before going home I stopped by the park - to sit on my favorite bench - and just think.
(I do this a lot - it feels good!) And I am personally offended when it is interrupted - don't they know, this is my park, my tree, my bench and my birds?

There I was, sitting, enjoying watching the birds fight over some french fries - when to my left I see the strangest thing...

A woman in black undergarments (yes undergarments), black socks, black tennis shoes, black umbrella, red sunglasses, dancing and talking to herself. And trust me - she did not need to be seen partially dressed - eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. How funny. She just danced on by me - laughing with each step. I was too stunned.

It was just strange - she came out of no where.

I am thinking God allowed me to see this - to provide laughter and for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. And it worked.

And my dear friends, I owe you an apology - I have been down lately-and it shows in all I do - I am so sorry. I can't be the best person to be around right now. I am working on getting stronger - it will get better-I will get better. Thanks for being there for me! I love you all!

Should I? Could I?

I have two sets of friends who want to set me up on a "blind date."

I've never been on a blind date before - heck I haven't dated at all since I have been divorced.

I am terrified-talk about being neurotic.

Should I? Could I?

Would you?

Car Commercials..

Have to be some of the most ignorant commercials on radio.

Good grief, do they have to yell?

Matters of the Heart...part 2

It still hurts beyond words. And as I tend to do, I obsess and worry. Over analyze.

I wonder why God has me at this point in my life, with these feelings I have. I read on a church sign (don't you love those - that's another blog - but they can be fun and interesting) "Trials are God's School of Faith." I am unsure of what I am going through can be called a trial - but it is emotionally, spiritually and mentally exhausting.

I look at myself in the mirror - trying to see what others may see or hear what they may hear. What is wrong with me? I know I am not perfect - but I am somewhat likable. I am for the most part funny, intelligent and informed.

I know God has a plan - and I am here at this point, this stage for a reason. That's my head talking...my heart has to catch up.

I will make a good wife one day....

Being single for nine years and living with my mother will make me a good wife. (My mother and I, as you have read before, have a strange-strained relationship, I feel at times like I am the working spouse coming home from work sometimes!)

Why?

1) I will understand when my future husband is too tired for yard work.
2) I will not ask for the shed to be cleaned out as soon as he walks in the door.
3) I will let him take naps if he is tired.
4) I pray I am not a nag - I used to be - but I have so learned what it is like to be on the other side.
5) I will appreciate my marriage and my husband (if I ever have them)
6) I want my husband to take care of the bills, etc. I am tired.
7) I will understand hobbies and stuff like that, just spend time with me, date me, love me!
8) I have realized, I really don't watch that much TV, so it doesn't matter to me what he will watch.
9) I will give him time to "chill" when he comes in from work.
10) All of the above is contingent of course if he treats me with love and respect. And all the stuff in between - no marriage is perfect of course.
11) And all of the above is contingent of course if I am not single for the rest of my life - which is looking to be the case.

My daughter...

My daughter loves me, I know this, but she is soooooooooooooooooooo almost 15. How are going to survive these upcoming teen years?

My son...

My son told me last night he likes spending his days with me....well...hope he always feels that way.

(he still hates brushing his teeth though)

A pet peeve of mine...

If you are going to have a family reunion, please do not have one in the aisle of a store, the check out stand, or at the stamp machine. Some of us are ready to get out!

What I am still not doing.

Sleeping.

I give up.

I think I slept maybe 2 1/2 hours last night. I gave up on the tossing and turning - got up at 4:30. Washed a load of clothes and dishes. Finished a book.

I was at work at 7:45 - which never happens! Trust me. Ugh!

THESE PENNIES....

My daughter told me about a conversation she had with her dad...or she was just listening as he was talking....

He took a handful of pennies. Told her these pennies represent his paycheck.

And here is the conversation as paraphrased by my daughter...

"4 of these pennies go to your mother" (That's me....that's child support-his 1st two children from our marriage of 11 years)

"2 of these pennies go to 'A' - mother of child #2" (He is not with her)

"Now look at what is left....I have one baby at home and one on the way...bills...a wife. What kind of life am I expected to have with just this little bit of money?"

My daughter told me she just left the room.

I am not believing I was married to this person...yuck.

They're coming home!

Well, my kids are coming home today. I talked to both of them last night. They are more than ready to be home - and I am ready for them to be home. I have missed them. (remind me of this when they are driving me nuts) This will be the last time I "force" them to go - if they don't want to go I am not making them. Though I needed the break desperately - I could tell everyone was miserable. I am sure I will hear about it from all parties soon enough.

My daughter leaves for church camp on Sunday - so she'll be gone a week. My son will go to VBS. School starts the first week in August - Fall Soccer is fast approaching. Back to the grind.

What I did not do last night, or the night before, or the night before, or the night before.

SLEEP! The most elusive thing in my life right now. I do this all the time, I will go for several days or a few weeks without sleeping for more than 2-3 hours a night - then I will crash. I am thinking I will crash soon.

WE MATTER....

I have been very depressed and very sad for the past day or so...

Felt like I didn't matter.

God showed me this...

Psalm 139:17 (TLB)

How Precious it is Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly! I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn toward me.

What have I learned? I matter. What should you learn? You matter. God loves us that much. We matter. We are wonderfully made.

Now I know...

I am in the middle of house-sitting duties for my sister. Now I know why so many Single Adults (older and younger) have cats.

They are a low maintenance relationship - sure you have to feed them, clean the litter box, etc.... and you love them. But they love you on their terms - but you know this from the get go - so no surprise in the relationship.

It has been a good day.

It has been a long year in the life of my church - but we now have a Pastor.

I am excited. I know everyone else is too.

Yeah!

A Sweet Poem....

As you might or might not know...Ruth Bell Graham, wife of Billy Graham recently passed away. I received in the mail today a book of her poetry, titled, Sitting By My Laughing Fire.

I haven't read it all the way through, but last night I just picked it up and it opened to this poem - and oh how I needed to see it. And to read it out loud - speaks to you even more. (I have no idea when she wrote this poem - she mentioned that sometimes she wrote poems for other people -but it really touched me! So much so, I called D.C. to read it to her.)

It reads:

Dear God, I prayed , all unafraid
(as we're inclined to do)
I do not need a handsome man
But let him be like You;
I do not need one big and strong
nor yet so very tall,
nor need he be some genius,
or wealthy, Lord, at all;
but let his head be high, dear God,
and let his eye be clear,
his shoulders straight, whate'er his state,
whate'er his earthly sphere;
and let his face have character,
a ruggedness of soul,
and let his whole life show, dear God,
a singleness of soul,
then when he comes
(as he will come)
with quiet eyes aglow,
I'll understand that he's the man
I prayed for long ago.
By: Ruth Bell Graham

Shopping Observations...

I am a pretty observant person. I tend to notice the small sometimes odd things. I guess because I am "odd."

This week at the Wal-Mart Pharmacy counter I looked behind the clerk, and this is what I noticed: All the cold medicines they have to keep locked up, stuff to flavor kids medicine, blood pressure kits, and VIBRATING CONDOMS. I busted out laughing, and soon the clerk, the pharmacist and the people behind me laughing. They have to keep them behind the counter, the clerk told me because people steal them. Well, heck fire, I guess so! Who would have the nerve to actually buy such a thing? I wonder if anyone buys them now? Can you just see it? Some guy going up to the 60 year old clerk - saying. "Excuse mam, I need to buy the Vibrating Condom in the purple (yes there are different color boxes) box."

Last week I told you I went to Jackson to drop off my kids and we stopped at a Pilot Travel Center...

You could go broke in this store, this is what you can buy:
Lug nuts - found by the hostess cakes.
Sunglasses - found by the truck waxing kit.
CD's by the fake smelling fake roses (guys we do not want these!)
Sleepshirts by the 12-pack cokes.
Money orders by Sub-Way
Pregnancy test, condoms, makeup, Mylanta underneath notebook paper, envelopes and ink pens.
And the list continues.

And at souvenir shops in Jackson you can buy:
Printed toilet tissue with different stuff on it - who would have thought people would buy it? I almost did because I thought it was hysterical, but I did not want to waste the $3.95 for one roll!
Homemade Fudge
Elvis Postcards (I guess everywhere in TN there is an Elvis stand)
Wind chimes,
Lotion
Plain Toothbrushes for $5.00 - your teeth flat well better be clean after using it.
Well, you get the picture.

I understand the purpose of one stop shopping, it is just the way they group these things that makes it funny.

Here I am house sitting for my sister - minus the kids. I have been calling it my vacation - I am the only one here. She has a nice house with a pool. I have been looking forward to this time for some time now. I picture myself laying out by the pool tomorrow afternoon and a few days this week.

Even though she has left high maintenance instructions for high maintenance pets. I have a sheet of TYPED instructions with about 7 paragraphs. Geesh. Her son has a lizard - I have to feed it worms! Now I know most of you are laughing at this point - knowing my aversion to anything smaller than my foot,(with the belief, if it is smaller than your foot, it should die - the smallest critters, cause the biggest problems) especially things with no legs and things that slither. EEWWWWWWWWWWW. I am sure I will have nightmares. And that is just the worms...I won't even discuss the lizard.

It is nice to have this space, but makes me long for my own. That is the hard part. I plan to keep busy this week - these last few days of being kidless. Though they may come home earlier than expected because of their dad's work schedule. I hear my daughter is being slightly bratty-an understatement I am sure-considering she did not want to go at all. And I have a strong feeling, she and I are going to have a "come to Jesus" meeting upon her return. Ah, to be almost 15 and know it all. I can't be too tough, she leaves for church camp this week.

Well, back to my retreat here in my sister's house, I did get taste of what it will be like to live on my own if I never marry. Are all single people destined to buy 1/2 gallon and quarts of milk, frozen dinners, small loaves of bread? I am used to buying about 3 Gallons of milk a week, and about 4 loaves of bread a week. Selfishly, I did buy some extra stuff, just for me. But it seemed kind of sad to shop for one.

I will enjoy this time and be lonely in spurts I am sure. But this time is a gift and I will enjoy.

A SICK CAR

Yep, it's July, 9,000 degrees. My car overheats this morning.

It is the loneliest feeling in the world being on the side of the road...I hate that feeling. Thank goodness for cell phones.

My car is sick. Still thinking about how to handle it all.

So, if you see me on the side of the road, please stop.

Even though I was able to add coolant - I still felt helpless and I hate that feeling.

And I send my thanks out to the nicest man who stopped to help and followed me to the street

where my office is.

(Yes, I called my boss gave him the description of the guy's truck..just in case he was on a poster in the post office somewhere)

We're going to Jackson....

I met my kids grandparents in Jackson yesterday. They are headed to their dads in Knoxville to spend two weeks with them.

Observations and thoughts from yesterday.

My friend D.C. and her daughter went with us, well, we took her car. It was fun, we talked and laughed. I will get to some funny stories about the day later in the post. But before I forget, thanks D.C. I love you much! You continue to be a blessing in my life.

My daughter did not want to go - she made herself sick from crying and begging not to go.
She is in love. She would miss "him". Plus she is a teenage girl - who does not want to be away from her friends and she has issues with her dad. Hopefully they will hash it out.

My son survived the trip with 4, yep count 'em, 4 women. God love him. When he grows up, he is either going to hate women or be a ladies man.

If you are ever in Jackson, TN - you really should visit Casey Jones Village and Old Country Store. The people are absolutely charming. It really is a sweet time - you won't need a whole day -unless you really like trains and stuff. But it really is fun. We got there early, toured the museum, the shops, ate, when to the ice cream parlor - it was a nice time.

Two intelligent women were not able to figure out that a mini hand-held fan - came apart - they had to cut a child's hair to get said fan out of said child's hair. (Doesn't everyone put stuff like that in their hair?) Only afterwards did one of the highly intelligent women figure out, that all we had to do was pull it apart. We will blame it on stress. Yeah, that's what we will do.

Pilot Travel Centers will sell you Hostess King Dons, and cakes, on the same rack as lug nuts. That is absolutely fascinating to me. They also have cd's, movies, Mylanta, and Subway. I will more to write on another blog about this - I couldn't believe it.

How do husband and wife truck driving teams keep from killing each other? I don't know how they do it. And while I am on the subject, these women driving trucks, I so admire the confidence they have. They have this strength and confidence that makes me look like a wuss.

Why does a Giant Hershey Bar cost more in Cracker Barrel than it does in Walmart? Almost Double? And why does it taste better?

I have so much more to write....conversations and people watching... But until another day.

Saying goodbye to a friendship......

It happens, we don't want to say it, but we do.

My heart hurts right now.

Being a single mom is hard. Their dad does not live close by at all. So I am it. I do all the dropping off, the picking up, etc, etc. Doctor's appointments, shopping, chaperon one thing or the other, school projects, ball games, ball practice, etc. Plus I have my mother and my job. There very rarely is free time. My time frees up around 11:00 each night - and hopefully I will be sleeping around 1:00 a.m. (here lately, I am not sleeping)

I have lost a friend. A guy friend. He is single, never been married and no children. He is a good guy. He likes to do things, go out, etc. He is very fun to go out with, he will always make you laugh.

However, he does not understand all the "mom" stuff. I am not available to do a whole lot, because of all the "mom" stuff. He has lost patience and I have lost a friend. My kids come first. Their needs come first- right after God - they are first. (and I am sure I mess up more times than not, I put them even before God) And trust me, the older they get, they need more than they did when they were babies. I hate that he does not understand

I know I am not the best or the easiest person to be friends with - but I am a good friend. I love my friends.

I am hurt more than I can say. My heart is shattered. I am crying. Heck - I am not in the mood to cry.

I have this calendar on my desk - it gives you a scripture and thought for each day. It is about friendship. And it has on one of the pages, ".....God gives you friends for certain times and points in your life, they may be there to stay, or they will move on....."

The moving on is the hard part.

I don't know, maybe this answers one of my questions in regard to friendships between men and women...

Maybe single moms and single guys - no kids - cannot be friends. The differences are too great.