Arrrrggghhhh

THIS IS ME.

 

LITERALLY

 

Mom has kept me busy this weekend. 

 

 

Remember last weekend when she couldn't or wouldn't do anything?  And  I was feeling guilty for enjoying the quiet? 

 

Now I am feeling guilty for feeling like I am going crazy.  For barely holding on to my patience - and  for losing it about ummmmmmm dozens of times.

 

She is stronger - good thing.

She is eating better - awesome thing.

She is walking with confidence - really good - and without her walker.

However....

She doesn't want to sit, doesn't want to rest - and will not relax. 

 

Yesterday - she woke up at 5:30 and was up and going strong all day.  A few of things she did....she squeezed toothpaste all over the bathroom, unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper, took all her drawers our, pulled her mattress off the bed, crumbled a piece of cake up in the living room....you name it... she was agitated beyond belief and beyond what medicine we have. 

 

On the other hand - she wanted to hold my hand all day - sit right by me in every room, she hugged and kissed me all day (totally unlike well mom - who I can't remember a whole lot hugs from)

 

She is now into sweatshirts - leaving her sweater in the closet.  She is back to carrying her purse - emptying it a dozen times.

 

She doesn't like her new potty chair - and I have to be honest - I am going to have to replace carpet one day - ugh ugh ugh.  Going to have to get my hands on a carpet cleaner soon.  We only have this worry at night - thankfully during the day - she finds her way to the bathroom just fine. 

 

Steve and I were supposed to go out last night - I was too tired- exhausted actually.  I wasn't in the mood to go - my head was pounding....plus mom settled late.

 

Today she slept later - ate a decent breakfast. Snoozed on the couch.  Ate at decent lunch - took a good bath - but has walked a 100 laps around the house and now I am literally tripping on her. 

 

I want to say I handled this whole weekend with grace and patience - with the nomination of caregiver of the year - but far from it.  I want to say bitterness and anger haven't snuck in my mind and heart - but they have. 

 

Lord, please forgive me for giving it all to you.  For not trusting you in every circumstance.  You haven't left me, I have tried to control every situation.  I need that peace that passes all understanding.  I need that peace and comfort to enter mom in mind and heart.  Forgive me for not being patient, for yelling, for being frustrated.  Lord, this one is going to sound silly - but I need mom to feel comfortable with the different medical equipment. Please be with Tori and Sam - their mom is torn in different directions- but they do not complain.  Thank you for my husband - he struggles with me being divided into directions - but he hangs in there. 

 

Lord, as we approach Easter this week - may be never forget the meaning of The Cross and The Tomb.  Lord, thank you for loving us, for never failing us, for being Lord of all.