My life in songs...part 2

Okay, I have been asked by a few people what songs did I hear that described my life. (or even my feelings at the particular moment). So here you go!

Most of them are country songs.

Life Ain't always Beautiful by Gary Allan (This is just a good song - well done-good message Sorry if I misspelled his name)
Complicated by Carolyn Dawn Johnson
She Didn't Have Time by Terri Clark (I could have written this song except I haven't lived the ending ....yet)
Daddy's Hands by Holly Dunn (I think of my dad every time!)
Room with a View by Carolyn Dawn Johnson (oh, how I miss my dad)
Beautiful Boy by John Lennon
In My Daughter's Eyes and This One's for the Girls by Martina McBride
Is there Life Out There by Reba
Blue Clear Sky by George Strait (well, I just like anything by George..he's the best!)


Now of course there are so many others, but I heard all of these songs in the space of two hours on different stations, etc. one day this past week, I guess that is what triggered an earlier post. (It also goes to show you I am a programmers nightmare, I rather listen to music than chit chat any day..let the music speak for itself folks!) I have so many other favorite songs in all different styles. It has been my goal to listen to different types of music everyday just to make sure I am not missing anything. But I do love country music, I have for as long as I can remember.

Time with my daughter.

About a week ago, my daughter asked for a day or night out, just the two of us. A request that is fewer and far between.

Now if you are a single parent (or even a two parent home) of more than one child, you would know how hard this can be to arrange - but I try to do it every now and then. And thanks to my friend, D.C., her daughter and our church fall festival, I was able to do it. I asked D.C. if my son could go with her to the fall festival and she said sure! Thanks my friend!

My daughter and I talked, sang to the radio together and had a nice meal. She was able to share with me-without competition- what was going on at school, church and with friends. We windowed shopped at a few stores - I was able to get some ideas for her birthday and Christmas. One store was Barnes and Noble - my favorite store-I am so addicted-I just love the atmosphere! She fell in love with it too. We enjoyed looking at every section - it was so much fun.

Now, I know some would say, I should have gone and worked at the fall festival that was held tonight, and part of me would probably have agreed this morning. But after getting home tonight, I realized that I have a ministry right here at home - my two children-who need me. And I need them. They both are funny, confident, well behaved (with others) :), and they know I am here for them. I know there will be days where they "hate" me and days where I am frustrated to the point of giving up - but I also know they are truly gifts from God, and today I enjoyed the gift more than ever.

(and for the record, my son is one cute pirate-he hates to hear the word cute associated with him - pirates are not cute I am told)

"If you have to stand on your head to make somebody happy, all you can expect is a big headache." - Ilene Beckerman's grandmother

I found this great quote on the back of this cute little book titled "What We Do for Love" written and illustrated by Ilene Beckerman.

I found this book in the self help/therapy section of the library. It is quirky and a little odd, (like me!) and very sweet (unlike me!).

In chapter 21, she quotes a few lines from the Mr. Rogers song, "It's You I Like" and oh, how we should all hear these words from someone in our lives. Here ya go!

It's you I like
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair-
But it's you I like

In Chapter 34, she again quotes her grandmother "If beauty bought happiness, Elizabeth Taylor wouldn't need so many husbands."

Needless to say I like this book. She reminds women of the silly things we do to make ourselves more attractive to men. How we try to change to please them, how we are not ourselves when we are around the "one" we are trying to impress or "catch."

When I went to the library, I had no idea what I was going to check-out. I read all types of books, romance, suspense, western, advice, funny books, biographies, etc. (One month I made it my goal to read everything on Ronald Reagan, by him, by Nancy, their children and others) I learned so much. But I am straying off my subject.

I am thinking that waiting for that special someone is similar to waiting for a good book at the library, you have to patient, willing to wait, willing to research and not settle for anything less than you expect and the right one will appear. Or is this the worst comparison you have ever read.

How do you let go of something you never had.? And how do you stop comparing that something to everything you see? Does that even make sense? I have been told by a friend (J.H.) that I am doing this and it is my stumbling block. What if she is right? What do I do? How do I move on? How do you rid yourself of this ache and longing? And why in the heck does it have to hurt like it does? I know it goes back to strength and will power...which admittedly, I am real low on today.

Strength and will power

I know both come from God. And I know I have to trust Him and give Him complete control of my life, but I have such a hard time letting go.

Strength and will power....I am weak today. And it hurts.

Life in songs...

Do you ever hear your life in the songs you hear on the radio?

Geesh!

I think I need to stop listening to the radio. But I love music so much!

HEARTBREAK

How do you handle heartbreak? It happens in many forms. Happens when you see someone you love hurting. Happens when there is a disaster. Happens when someone says something to you that hurts your feelings. Happens when you have an argument. And it definitely happens at the end of a relationship - no matter how it ends - you hurt. Happens when it is time to let go - but you just want to keep hanging on. But what about unintentional heartbreak? How do you handle it? It is nobody's fault. It just happens. And you ache to the point where tears are the only relief.

I am sure we break God's heart everyday intentional and unintentional and He never gives up on us. He continues to love us.

I know we should follow His example - it is hard. You just want to give up. You are tired and discouraged.

I am also thankful for heartbreak-though at the time I don't act like it. It teaches me. I am more sensitive to different situations, closer to friends, and in some cases wiser than before.

I often ask others to pray for me. Pray for God to guard and protect my heart. But I am guilty of not praying for myself. But I pray now.

Just things to do and "fix"..

My dad was one of those men, who could fix anything. And if he couldn't (which was rare) he found out how. He always used a level to hang pictures, pencils to mark where screws and nails should go, carpenter glue and duct tape was a good temporary fix, and he always used a tape measure to buy and install appliances. (I really do miss him)

I consider myself relatively intelligent, I can figure out most things and I am not afraid of hard work. But I don't know how to change a heating element in an oven..And guess what? Our heating element needs replacing. (on the upside of this - I was able to tell my daughter who I am pretty sure volunteered me to make cupcakes for a school party - that I couldn't do it-oh darn!)

We need trim replaced in our bathroom - I am not a carpenter - sorry-just not me.

I detest yard work - I make no secret of it. I will putter around in a flower bed - but you won't find me on the cover of a gardening magazine. We need trees trimmed - we don't even have a saw.

Oil changes-thank goodness for Walmart and other places. Whew! I can check my oil, add oil, but not change it. Same goes for all the other fluids.

Flat tires - I am getting better. I still need to learn how to check it with the gauge thing. I am terrified of blowing up a tire when I fill it up with air. Is that a weird fear or what?

I am okay on filters for heaters and such - but not fuses.

I can put a Batman house together. And a Barbie jet. The Ninja Turtle house threw me. But watch me on any Hot Wheels toy - just call me mom of the year!

My son's bike needs it's chain replaced or repaired. I can't do it.

My point to all of this....finally right? This is a downside of being single. When there are two people-you have someone who can and will do the things you can't or don't want to do. (what a sentence!) Or if neither one of you are able to do the job - maybe you have the money to hire someone to do it!

It's raining today..I am feeling lonely and blue..and I still need our element replaced in the oven.

Well, it seems I slept with about 10 men last night. Gotcha! Well, I did, in a way. I woke up this morning to a bayonet poking me in the shoulder. 10 toy soldiers were in my bed, I guess during the day it was a fox hole, and they were carefully guarding their turf from unseen forces. But I will tell you this, they hurt!

Taking care of mom... That is what my son said he will do when he grows up. He wants to take care of me. He said he will buy me house and all the furniture. All I have to do is watch his kids, and warm their clothes up in the dryer, like I do his, on cold mornings. His sister, not to be outdone, jumped up and said she will buy me a car. I love my kids. I have said it before and will say it again...we make a good team.

Saturday Thoughts..
$5,000. You know the game McDonald’s has going on right now? Well, my daughter insisted I pick up a game board today – we had several pieces. She started pasting them to the board. She hollered out, “Mom we won, we won, we won!!”I looked-and thought we sure did-we started hugging, screaming, and all of us were so excited! We just couldn’t believe it.

Then I decided to check…yes, she had three red playing pieces, but two of them were the same! What a let down! For about 1 minute we thought we had $5,000-then it was gone! How cruel was that?

We have laughed and laughed over that.

I told them, I should have known…..but at least we each possess a sense of humor.

I am still laughing…

A A A B A
A A A B B C

Grades on two report cards! I am so proud of my kids.

Good job guys! You are too smart. I love you so much.

Love,

Momma




TIMING

I really don’t understand timing. I know God has a plan for everyone and everything. And I know it all falls into place in His time.

But what about those times you know a friend is in the wrong time and place? Or if not the wrong time and place, the present is painful for all involved? Yet, you are where you should be. But circumstances put this person in a place where she/he can’t and shouldn’t turn back and give up? And you can do nothing, but be there for your friend.

What about those times you just need someone to say…”shh..it’s okay.” And you get a hug and immediately feel better.

Why when you are hurting and lonely, the timing is always off, or seems to be?

Do we or should I say, do I appreciate God’s timing when we narrowly miss being in a car accident? Appreciate God’s timing when our child is not hurt in the ballgame? And in all other situations, do we really appreciate God’s timing?

Is God teaching us patience? Perseverance? Stamina? A lesson in faith and trust?



MY FRIENDS

I know I have mentioned my friends previously. But yesterday I was blessed to spend time with three of them.

One I had not seen in over two years and it was like a breath of fresh air and a shot of sunshine at the same time. Not realizing it was what I have missed and needed for a long time. A memory I will cherish.

I also attended a women’s conference at church, so I was already with some terrific people. But my friends were there. S.D, C.W, and I went out afterwards for a bite to eat and we talked, shared, laughed and had a good time. S.D. is facing some health issues, but I know God is faithful and she will be okay. She is one of sweetest and nicest people I know. A true lady. C.W. is a single mom like me, but she is so funny and so strong. Also, a true lady. There I am - the neurotic, obsessive one in the group, but somehow we fit. Hanging out with them last night, was like an unexpected gift, and it ended up being one of my favorite all time gifts. Another memory I will cherish.

I love you all --my friends.

B.

Back to whining....

When I went through my divorce, I went through very hard times. Things were really bad for us.

I lost my home...almost lost my car. I would pay a house note one month and car payment the next. It finally caught up with me. I cannot tell you the times I worried how I was going to feed my kids and buy medicine for my son - he was very sick from birth to about 6 years old. There were times when we didn't have any groceries and just in time, a food basket or gift certificate would arrive. God always provided.

I finally decided to pay for my car and let my house go. My sister said I could move in with her.

I moved in with my sister for a few months. Finally I was able to move into a small house in town. At the time I was working two jobs, my regular job and then cleaning every weekend and any other time I had, just to make ends meet. I lost the cleaning job(it paid good money, and as long as I had the cleaning job, I did okay, it wasn't easy, but I did okay.) My dad was sick at the time, fighting Alzheimer and Parkinson's disease - he was moved to a Nursing home. So I decided to move into my mother's home. It would help me and would help her. And it has.
Now it seems like I can't escape.

It has always been my goal as a single mother not to fall into the trap so many others do. I would keep my kids in the same school system, not move around, and not introduce different men in their lives. And I have pretty much accomplished this.

My dad died the same year I moved in with my mother. My kids and I are in the same room, and we are going nuts. Well, I am anyway. I want my own place so bad I can taste it. To have my own little corner of the world. But my mother cannot financially afford to live on her own, and it would be tight for me, tight but doable. When I move, I will literally be starting with nothing. I don't have dishes, towels, much less furniture. (I pretty much got rid of or sold everything I had the longer I stayed with my mother-no sense paying storage for stuff I wasn't using)

I am so afraid of failure - I don't want to set myself and my kids up for disappointment. But I think for the sake of all involved, I need to move. But what to do about my mother?

It is so much to worry about, I worry so much I make myself sick. I cry so much these days.

I know I have so much to be thankful for - and I know it could be worse. And I am thankful and appreciative for how far God has carried me. But I am ready to move on - but not at the expense of my family.

But I am ready to begin a new life. What should I do?

Upside of being single...

Yes, I know I seem to be complaining and whining a lot. Sorry. But there is an upside to being single.

God is working on you as an individual. Use this time to become stronger. Use this time to serve Him. God may be preparing you for your future wife or husband, and He is preparing your future mate -if it is His will for you be married.

If you don't have kids, think of the time you have! Time to serve and minister. Time to go to school, doors are open! If you have kids, use this time to minister to your kids-they are your first priority-not finding a date!

You can make changes in career, housing, etc. without having to worry how it will affect someone else's career, etc.

Single, allow God to work through you during this time and all times.

I don't know...

I don't know if I can handle being single today. Today is one of those days I am tired and I am desperately trying not to have a pity party.

I finally got home last night at 9:00. I had grocery shopping to do. Once I am home, unpacked the groceries, towered over a highly mistreated 8 year old as he finishes the homework he should have finished 3 hours earlier, and washed a load of clothes. And I noticed the smoke detectors need new batteries, we need garbage bags and light bulbs. My daughter needed a certain type of notebook for school (she knew all last week she needed it -but did not tell me) so I played the game of driving to every area store looking for said notebook - with no luck.

And my ex is acting all weird.

My mother is in a mood.

I am in a mood.

Go figure.....I need to straighten up!

I would have....I could have....I should have.... Don't you just love those sets of words? We regularly (at least I do) look back at our past say I would have, or I could have, or I should have. Does this mean we look back at our past with regret? Did we learn anything from it? I have a tendency to hang on to how I royally screwed up something. I am my worst critic. I am terribly hard on myself. I would really like to stop doing this. I would rather apply lessons learned than chew on them until they are bitter. Or should I say..until I am bitter. What do you think?

I wonder...

I wonder if I will ever go on a date again.

This sounds weird, but I have lost weight, and will keep trying to lose more, and I promise you, all those men who have ignored me or treated me like their mom or sister, if they ask me out, I will say no. I am the same person on the inside. (And I have already told one person no)

So there!

Now, I wonder if I will go on a date again. It's looking rough.

How funny.

When is it okay to give up?

It's a valid question. Now if you are an athlete, I would guess you would never give up. If you are a parent, struggling to feed your kids, you never give up. If you fighting for what is right and all that is good, you don't give up. If you are battling an illness, you don't give up. But what about relationships? Marriage? When you have done all that is humanly possible to make it work?

Now, I know there are friendships who rightfully drift apart - you are just not good for each other. Can the same be said for marriages? When is enough..enough? I look back on my marriage, especially the end, and I know I could have done things differently. Should have done things differently. Would I be divorced today? I don't know, if not, it probably would have been an up and down unhealthy roller coaster ride for all us. (My Ex, kids and myself)

I have friends who are struggling in their marriages. One marriage I see making it - they are dealing with everyday life - and they are letting it overwhelm them. The other, I am not so sure about. I hate to see my friends hurting, and I want to shake sense into them. Can a marriage survive infidelity? Yes, but it takes work. Financial problems? Yes, it takes work. Sick child? Yes, it takes work. No one ever said it would be easy. But how long do you keep trying to make it work, when the other does not try? How long do you keep running the "save my marriage" race, before you just stop? How do you handle the anger and the pain? How do you forgive? How do you ask for forgiveness? (yes, ask for forgiveness...no one is perfect..everyone messes up)

For the record, I am not an advocate of divorce. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It tears you apart mentally, and emotionally.

But at what point do you know that is fruitless to keep going? Then once it is over..how do you deal with the emotional aftermath?

Friendships...

I love my friends. I cannot imagine not having my friends in my life. Hopefully they will read this, but to D.C., S.D., J.H, T.W., C.W., B.E, D.K, L.G., N.S., also all my Sunday School & Church Friends (guys and gals) and P.Y. Thank you for being part of my life. You call me or email me at the right times and my day is complete, and I bet at times you don't even know it. And I am sorry for not telling you often enough; But I love you all so much.

Cherish your friends, be thankful for them. Most importantly be a friend.

Single Parenting. I can speak from the experience of once being married and now being a single parent. It is hard. Exhausting. There is never enough time, space, energy, money or rest. I know married couples have their struggles as parents, but it is different, you have each other when you are married. If the relationship is the "ideal" the work is divided. Not one parent is dong more than the other. And of course I know there are many many less than "ideal" parenting teams out in the world.

But today I struggle being a single parent..a single mom (I know several single dads...and they struggle too) I am soooo broke, not even funny. My car needs two new tires (so said the mechanic..he said they would last two months if I drove like "granny"), my kids are trying their best to get sick. Trust me when they say, "mom my throat is sore, my ears hurt" I respond by saying "no, you are not getting sick...your throat and ears are fine." Who I am trying to convince is beyond me. But I am hoping against hope they can stay well until payday. Or I hope I can call the pediatrician and ask for some samples..have mercy on me! (am I a good mom or what?)

Time. Now that is a valuable commodity. Practices, birthday parties, after school stuff, church activities..I am so envious when I talk to friends...and they say something liked the following to the question "What did you do last night?" And they respond "well, I took Sue to practice, then dropped her off at a friends house, while my husband took, Nick to his practice, helped him with his homework. I did the grocery shopping and cooked dinner when I got home, while my husband checked the oil in my car, and repaired the leaky water faucet outside." And then I am asked what I did... and I really want to say...."well, I dropped child #1 off for practice...left her..because she is the oldest and has a cell phone. Took child #2 with me to buy stuff for child #1 for a project that is due in two days...., took #2 to his practice...asked a mom to watch him..while I pick up Child #1 and try to find something healthy that is served via the drive through window, because I haven't had time to shop much less cook. On the way home, had to add air to my tire, saw the oil light come on (can't remember the last time it was checked..sticker is gone from window) , so I checked that. Then I am pulled over because of a faulty tail light (has a short in it-trust me..it has been looked at, replaced, rewired, etc...give it time..it might work tomorrow) but thankfully no ticket. Finally reach home, check the homework that should have been done before practice, get clothes ready for the next day, try to wash a couple loads of laundry.. (praying I don't fall asleep before they are finished because one morning..I woke up to "sour" laundry...yuck). And just for kicks...I check my bank balance...I have like a $1.42...but trying not to stress...gas tank is full and no money due at school for either kid, so we should be okay." But instead of boring or scaring away my friend...I say..."Oh we did pretty much the same thing as you."

Now I know married couples have issues and struggles....but please everyone...be sympathetic and offer a helping hand to a single parent. Don't forget about your friends/family/church family members who are single parents. Also, please appreciate what you have..and never take for granted your spouse.

My message to single parents, you are not alone. Get involved in church, stay focused on God. Don't give up. Help yourself! But don't turn down help when it is offered.

LONELY
(written October 2005-funny thing is - I have these same feelings and thoughts today)

Lonely. Not too short a word, not too long, but one with a lot of feeling. Just to hear it or say it, can you make you hurt.

I am a single parent. I work full time. I have two children. I am active in church.
I have friends. I love to read. I relish quiet. I don’t mind silence. But here lately I am so lonely. Funny thing to say that I relish quiet but am lonely. I love my children deeply. But the loneliness creeps back in, like it has today, here at work.

I wrote someone today, I sometimes feel lonely when I am with a large group of people or just a few friends. It is like you are standing outside a huge store window looking at the display of all the happy couples-wanting to go in and purchase something just like that.

I watch married couples, with their unspoken communication, and I ache. I want that so desperately. I want that arm around me in church. Someone to open the door for me, someone to take me out on a date. I want someone to whisper to in the dark as we go to sleep at night. Someone whom I can share my dreams, my joys, my pain and my fears.
I want someone to care about my day enough to ask about it when I go home. Someone to say, “Don’t worry, I will take care of that.”

Oh, I know what most of my friends would say. Or those women and men I look to for advice in church. And I know what they say is true. “You, don’t need a man.” I know that, but sometimes, believe it or not, I want one. “Let God be your husband and father to your children.” I definitely know that is true, and most of the time, I like to think that I agree and feel the same. But is it wrong to want a person there for you? Is it wrong to desire a mate?

I hear couples argue, and they talk about each other. And I know that I used to be guilty of the same thing. But I just want to tell them, “Appreciate each other. Grow old together. Date each other. Kiss each other good night. Always share the same bed, even when you are mad. Remain faithful. Don’t nag or push. Enjoy each other.” Lessons learned the hard way.
I can’t say I miss being married to my “EX”, especially how things were at the end of our marriage, but I miss how we were and how things were in the first years of our marriage.

I keep telling myself, God has a plan. That He has me single for a reason. Part of me wants to know what that plan is and wants Him to explain the reason, but the wiser (though not always evident) part of me, knows I just need to wait!

I am looking back at what I just wrote, knowing tomorrow I will be more than likely be cynical with a dash of sarcasm about the whole couple thing. I have vowed this year that
I will not worry about being part of a couple when office parties/dinners, weddings, and such come long. I will go by myself, and stand tall. Standing on the outer edges, looking in, wanting so much to part of something like that.