LONELY
(written October 2005-funny thing is - I have these same feelings and thoughts today)

Lonely. Not too short a word, not too long, but one with a lot of feeling. Just to hear it or say it, can you make you hurt.

I am a single parent. I work full time. I have two children. I am active in church.
I have friends. I love to read. I relish quiet. I don’t mind silence. But here lately I am so lonely. Funny thing to say that I relish quiet but am lonely. I love my children deeply. But the loneliness creeps back in, like it has today, here at work.

I wrote someone today, I sometimes feel lonely when I am with a large group of people or just a few friends. It is like you are standing outside a huge store window looking at the display of all the happy couples-wanting to go in and purchase something just like that.

I watch married couples, with their unspoken communication, and I ache. I want that so desperately. I want that arm around me in church. Someone to open the door for me, someone to take me out on a date. I want someone to whisper to in the dark as we go to sleep at night. Someone whom I can share my dreams, my joys, my pain and my fears.
I want someone to care about my day enough to ask about it when I go home. Someone to say, “Don’t worry, I will take care of that.”

Oh, I know what most of my friends would say. Or those women and men I look to for advice in church. And I know what they say is true. “You, don’t need a man.” I know that, but sometimes, believe it or not, I want one. “Let God be your husband and father to your children.” I definitely know that is true, and most of the time, I like to think that I agree and feel the same. But is it wrong to want a person there for you? Is it wrong to desire a mate?

I hear couples argue, and they talk about each other. And I know that I used to be guilty of the same thing. But I just want to tell them, “Appreciate each other. Grow old together. Date each other. Kiss each other good night. Always share the same bed, even when you are mad. Remain faithful. Don’t nag or push. Enjoy each other.” Lessons learned the hard way.
I can’t say I miss being married to my “EX”, especially how things were at the end of our marriage, but I miss how we were and how things were in the first years of our marriage.

I keep telling myself, God has a plan. That He has me single for a reason. Part of me wants to know what that plan is and wants Him to explain the reason, but the wiser (though not always evident) part of me, knows I just need to wait!

I am looking back at what I just wrote, knowing tomorrow I will be more than likely be cynical with a dash of sarcasm about the whole couple thing. I have vowed this year that
I will not worry about being part of a couple when office parties/dinners, weddings, and such come long. I will go by myself, and stand tall. Standing on the outer edges, looking in, wanting so much to part of something like that.