My real feelings...

I am sick and I am so tired.  I have a horrendous cold.

Mom was horrible today - no other way around it.  I have been hit, kicked, bit, food thrown at me, when I was dozing - she had a TV tray over my head about to hit me!  Thank goodness for my reflexes..

The other night she spit her medicine out - poured drink on me - started wrestling me....Steve tried to help - she let go and then fell - talk about feeling guilty - both of us.   I really thought we would be past this violent physical stage.

To say I am beyond discouraged is an understatement. 

I lost it - I just started yelling - got her in the shower - she took a warm one - I got her dressed in 3.3 seconds and in bed 10 seconds later - she is sound asleep.

I hate this disease.  I hate what it does not only to the patient but to those around her.  Separating the real "mean", verbally cruel mom from the Alzheimer mom is hard - and sometimes I fail - because I can remember being called names and ugly.....

I could throw in the towel - I often wonder if God sees.  If He forgives me for my lack of patience...if he hears my crying.  If He hears mom and understands the words I do not.

Please pray.