STOP! PLANT THIEF!

I am keeping an eye on the kids' great grandmother's house while she is in Florida, and while her son and daughter figure out how to handle all the details. Grand has or should I say had...a bunch of plants on her front porch.

Yes, my friends, someone stole plants from a soon-to-be 94 year old.

And I know who. And how do I know. Because they are sitting on a neighbor's front porch. At first when I confronted her, she said, "oh, yes, I took them, but I was watching them for her...blah, blah..." In my best southern accent, I thanked her, but asked that she please return them. She said she would, after her company left.

Only two of the plants made it back. I called her again, and spoke AGAIN in my best southern accent, with a twist of Julia Sugarbaker (Designing Women), and thanked her for returning the plants, and I am sure the others are just terribly heavy, and I would be happy to come inside and get the others. Her reply? "What plants? I returned all the plants."

Well, the gauntlet has been thrown.

I called Grand's son to let him know what was going on-being small town and all - everyone knowing everyone (son lives out of town), he called the police - they came. Talked to her - she was wearing a see-through night shirt. AND NOTHING ELSE. I am sure like the rest of the female population she has heard of support and CROSS YOUR HEART..but she did not follow that piece of fashion advice. EEEWWWW. She told the police officer, "these plants have been in my family for years....."

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nothing the officers can do - it really is a case of he said...she said... or she said..she said...whatever. The suggestion they made? Just wait until she is not home, and go over and get the plants. They believed me... as we were able to describe the plants, pots, spots they were in, etc.. (I do believe this a case for Nancy Grace!)

So, I have gone over there at different times...and she is always home. Early AM, mid-day on Saturday, Late PM. And when I am there, she is in her yard, doing something stupid! First day, she is in her yard in a black and white polka dot house dress, purple flip flops, with a mop! (Okay I admit, I yelled over, don't you need a broom for your occupation?-I couldn't resist!)

She stayed out in her yard, marching in front of the plants on her porch, swinging her mop.

Second day I go over, she is on her front porch, in a recliner (hey this is the deep south), giving someone a perm. At some point she stops, goes to her back yard, brings around all her patio furniture, and what does she put on the table? Yep! The plants. (I really do think she is just plain evil or nuts). At this point I am livid, I want these plants back. Not because I care about them, but I want them back, just based on principal. Hmmph. I give up..go home-but I will return. (I should comment on her wardrobe..she has on these pants..and I am going to quote Suzanne Sugarbaker - Designing Women again, that makes her "butt look like you could serve tea on it!)

A few days later...I drive by, and she is in the middle of her driveway, sorting shoes wearing something purple and green! ARRGHHHHH.

The next night I am checking on the house, and she is not home! I smell and taste victory. At last they will be in my hands....oh, no. Not a single plant, dandelion in sight! She obviously has taken them all inside.

I have a vivid imagination...

I have this image of finally getting the plants in hand, an alarm going off, being shot, but my last words will be, "But I got the missing Easter Lilly Grand, I did this for you." I am sure you will be reading about me in the papers. Be kind when you remember me.