SELF EVALUATION

Self evaluation is a hard thing to do.  To challenge yourself mentally, spritually and emotionally.  I am no where near where I should be in so many areas.

Yesterday I sent an email to a friend - I am not trying to sound pitiful or poor mouth - because God is so good.

But here is part of my self evaluation.  Hopefully I will be so much stronger one day, one week, one month, one year from now.

Mark Gungar on Focus said one time "God does not want you to marry the person who meets all your needs because then there would be no room for Him."


Steve and I have been married four years. I think to all that has happened and hit us. I can see where God has provided and sustained us....me in many ways.

I wonder why I am on this journey - what is the purpose? Maybe One purpose is for God to be glorified, for the kingdom of heaven to be expanded. Another reason I suppose - is my reaction to situations. I thought with being a single mom for 11 years I had pretty much seen it all and such. Or went through it. Boy was I wrong. Never ask "what else Lord?"  Am I to go through this - to be able to help others one day? Am I being molded for something bigger? Or do I need to hush, sit back and absorb more?



These may all sound lofty and grand - because I am tired. I am discouraged. I am tired of worrying. I am literally tired of living paycheck to paycheck with no give in between. I miss being able to do things for the kids. There are needs and yes some wants that I want to be able to supply. I just wanted to scream Saturday when i walked into mom's house......and saw all those white garbage bags. I couldn't even go the grocery store until someone sat with Mom. Those 45 minutes were the only minutes I had to myself all weekend. I was so tired I was sick.


A history............


One Tuesday - September 2000 - Dad attacks mom with a butcher knife (thus beginning our trip into the land of Alzheimer's with him, Sam has bad asthma attack I am in the hospital with him, fortunately dad is in same hospital, I get divorce papers and foreclosure papers. One day -24 hours.






February 2009 - I am married - almost a year. I lose my good paying job. Mom has a heart attack. Kids dad stops paying child support. I get a job and a a part time job - barely making half of what I used to make. Mom's alzheimer advances probably due to heart attack. One month. -28 days actually.


So much can happen in a short length of time - that it feels like a lifetime. There are times I feel like a failure. Then there are times when I am so joyful and happy. But I guess that is life. I must learn to give all to God. The ups and the downs - the ride may be bumpy but the safety belt stronger. There are so many needs - that sometimes I wander if they are actual needs.  I don't need to worry. I don't need to feel guilty for Sam wearing borrowed cleats during football this past spring - he survived. We have a roof over our head, dinner every night, clothes on our backs, everyone is healthy and strong.  So why do I put myself through this?  I just don't know.