Today I am very sad.

Mom had a horrible horrible weekend. I am tired, sad, and so discouraged.

I hate this disease. I hate what it does to the person and the family.

I see no good in it. To go through it with Dad and now again with mom - it doesn't seem fair. I so miss my dad - I try to think how he would handle all of this.

In today's world we have inventions and discoveries that we marvel at. We have people winning awards for discoveries, treatments and cures. Why can't we find someting that is for the mind? The one thing that controls the whole body? People have heart transplants, liver transplants, - they can live with one kidney. But you can't live without your mind.

I have been reading a blog today - the questions they pose for caregivers are challenging.

• Imagine you not knowing what day, what month, what year it is?


• Imagine you not knowing who the person in front of you cooking your meal is?


• Imagine you not remembering that all of sisters are gone? Or your husband - and you set the table for him?


• Imagine you not being able to think of the name for "shoes" or "shirt" or "milk".

I am a caregiver...this week I am one with a resentful attitude. I love my mother. But I am so tired.

• How can you help a caregiver?


• Can you prepare a meal?


• Can you sit with the patient so the caregiver can go to a movie or to dinner?


• Can you take the patient out to eat or for a drive?


• Can you pray? Do you pray?

***I am not asking for anyone to do these things for us - but look around you - caregivers and patients of all ages and problems are around you.

As a caregiver I must learn to be patient, forgive myself when I am not or when I make a mistake-and boy do I make them. I need to treat mom as I want to be treated - with respect, love and gentleness. To baby her when needed, to be firm when necessary. Sleep when she sleeps (it is exactly like having a toddler - never wake up an Alzheimer patient - she slept 10 hours last night - I couldn't sleep worrying about her waking up). I need for her to excercise - walk more - she seems to do better if we walk.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.........................NOT!


Mom got up at 1:00 ready to get up - I told her "Mom it is 1:00 - go back to bed." she said..."No Becky it is 3:00 in the morning..." I said, 1:00 or 3:00 go back to bed" - she huffed. She was up and down all night and felt the need to share her being awake.

Today I am tired and sad. Mom had a rough night last night. I don't even have the words to describe it.

Maybe after I think about it - I will find the humor in some of it - but right now I am struggling with guilt, anger, exhaustion, feelings of failure and no telling what else!

I hate hate hate Alzheimer's.

Mom and the nasty house......

Yesterday after work - I go to mom's - praying she is in a good state of mind and that she doesn't want to come to my house and that I don't have to make her come to my house. (Is that selfish or what? I was so tired from the night before - she was up all night!)

Well - YEAH! She was in pretty good shape. She doesn't want to leave - I decided she will be fine. But she ruined the moment.....
"Becky, I stayed at a house last night - it was the nastiest house I have ever seen!"


IT WAS MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and it is not nasty!)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


I am so tired today. Mom was literally up all night every hour on the hour. I think she has her days and nights mixed up.

I literally hate this disease. I was thinking last night - her memory was really bad - it must feel like hell on earth to be trapped inside your mind. There are somethings she remembers so clearly - but there are times she can't remember five minutes before.

When I first picked her up - she was very mean mom!
2 hours later - still mean
3 hours later - pitiful mom
4 hours later - sleepy mom

The rest of the hours...WIDE AWAKE MOM

More like mom........

I am sure I am more like my mom than I want to think......

This morning I was putting together in the crock pot beef stew for tonights dinner - I brown my meat before hand with a little oil and flour - makes it a tad thicker. Mom spent the night (though she didn't sleep - another post!) she was s watching me - she said "You make your stew just like me."

That had me to thinking....

My kitchen cabinets/drawers are pretty much arranged like hers. (though now in her Alzheimer state - she rearranged everything last week- and it absolutely messed me up!) Even how my refrigerator is arranged is like hers.

I have started keeping paper plates/cups/forks on the cabinet for the kids to use for sandwhiches instead of messing up dishes and such everytime they grab a snack. She has always done that.

I am sure there are more things that I get from her...

Here is how we are different....

I group canned goods by the food- no mixing peas with the corn, etc. She does not.
I fold towels tighter - she does not
She color codes her clothes - I don't know if this is on purpose - but she does.


I don't know...kind of a weird post...but mind is everywhere today.

Mom and Deputy Williams.......


Yesterday was just a bad day for mom - she called me about 20 times! I was going over to her house right after work to pick her up - I told her that - but I had to stop at Wal-Mart to pick up some medicine - while in Wal-Mart - I get a call again - it is mom.....

Or so I thought.....

I said (thankfully I was really patient or I thought I was anyway) without her saying a word...."Mom I am at Wal-Mart - I will be there in a few minutes - then we are going to my house to cook pork chops, ok?" Well a male voice came on the other end (I almost passed out)..."Mam, pork chops sound good, but this is Deputy Williams from the Sheriff's office - your mom in trying to make calls today had called 911 about 12 times and we wanted to check on her...she is fine......."

I thanked him - told him I was on my way to pick her up and take her home with me. He just laughed.

Praying......


Mom had more good days than bad.

Tori would listen to advice...I may be right.

For a miracle!

Can she read?

Our dog Kylee (she is a poodle - cocker mix - with dashes of other things I'm sure!) is so funny. She brings much laughter to our little family.

She does have a few faults....

She sheds - and how! Whew.

She chews bed covers - poor Sam - his comforter looks like it has been in a closet with a moth or two for months on end.

She chews shoes - don't even think about leaving a shoe out!

She chews books! And let me tell you - she's selective. She will pull one off the shelf! Or she will pull a magazine from the rack. She has no shame...yesterday it was a magazine -and all this morning - I still kept finding pieces of paper all over the house.

The Skittle Lady....


Steve and I worked the concession stand at Sam's game last night. We don't mind at all - we actually enjoy it.

There is one lady who works - she seems to only sell the candy.....I left with nacho cheese on my shirt, jeans. I cooked cheese sticks - and disinfected cabinets.

I appreciate the Skittle lady...I want to be her.

(but maybe I am not meant to sell the candy - maybe I am meant to be behind the scenes and away from folks...now that is food for thought!)

Conversations with mom......... ( I have shared with several folks - but I want to remember - too funny - I laugh to keep from crying!)


My conversation with mom last night...,.

Becky Bring me some tylenol.

Mom I just left your house - brought you groceries and such. Made you a sandwich and fruit. Will bring you Tylenol tomorrow. Take the generic.

I don't like generic. You didn't come over. Bring Tylenol on your way home.

Mom, I am home, I am not getting back out.

Well, Becky if you have a cold - you need to stay away.

Ha ha ha.


Yesterday morning Conversation


Becky What day is it?

Monday

Sunday?

No MONDAY.

Sunday?

NO - Monday - M - O- N- D-A-Y (spelled it out yelling into phone)

Oh, okay, Saturday.



Becky, that woman who lives with Steve called me wants me to come to dinner. I just don't like her. (Steve is my husband for those who may not know)

I will be in therapy one day. ha ha ha ha

She maybe forgetful....


but....

Mom still remembers my phone number.....

Mom still remembers she like Hostess Chocolate Donettes......

Mom still remembers she likes Coffemate creamer......

Mom sill remembers she likes Ponds cold cream......

Handling pressure.....handling stress....

I readily admit I am not good at it at all.

So much is happening of late...mom, Tori's wreck, finances, job stress, every day life...but it just seems we have had so much hit us that it is hard to handle. Hard not to be discouraged.

I struggle with feeling guilty -because we have so much to be thankful for....I recently learned from a friend that a mutual friend of ours has a hard time balancing life....

So it is not just me....

UGH!!!

I cleaned carpets last night. Yuck! We are not dirty/nasty folks - where does the dirt come from?

Becky, who is your favorite football player of all times?

SAM MILLS

#60

GO CARDINALS!

This little lady takes up about 80% of our time lately. She's a mess! She is eating Mexican in this picture.

Tori had an accident last Friday night - I received the call - 11:42 PM Sept 23. The worst call you could get.

Thankfully she is okay. Her car totaled - she went underneath a pick up truck. Shudder! Air bags deployed - not so much as a scratch on her. She is less than 5 ft tall - a total miracle!

Here is a pic of her car. We are blessed.

#60

Last night Sam played the entire game - two positions. Nose Guard and Center - he was never off the field - he was worn out.

They lost 38-40 - it was a long hard game. But he did so good. He was already analyzing what he could have done differently and better. He wants to please his coaches.

He was exhausted....he passed out when he got home. Did his homework this morning.

I am very proud of #60.

Cool Weather.....

The temperature this week is in the 70's. Last week we were near triple digits.

It feels wonderful outside.

Kenmore, Mom, and a Flat Tire!
and every day life.....

We have been without a washer for well over a month .... trust me when I say ... I will never ever take a washing machine for granted. It is a necessity not a luxury!

Money as usual has been tight - finally saved up some money to buy a "cheap" new one or a good used one....we headed out on Saturday - each stop we made was a closed door.

And my new 'sister' / best friend Carla - called me - and told me about one close to her house- we sped out there and there it was...

Now, we only gave $50 for it. Praise the Lord! Steve hooked it up and it works! I love the sound of a washing machine - the spin cycle, the rinse cycle....choosing cold water, warm water, all of it. I am so proud of it. Now I must confess there was a man looking at it - I was in a panic - I could not let him have this machine. He went to his car or something...I ran in there (this is like a consignment store) and claimed it. Whew. I was ready to dive and tackle I tell you! There was a teenage boy there who helped Steve load it up in truck - he wanted us to buy him a Mountain Dew and gum...so we did. God put this machine there. Yeah.

Mom has been more "loopy" and confused mom - and I have decided I rather deal with mean mom any day of the week...the other is just too darn sad. Yesterday she was over here with us ...and she couldn't place me...she knows me...but doesn't know I am her daughter. Sad. She did manage to eat a good meal and a lot of dessert (woman loves sweets) we went to Walmart - and took her home. Some funny moments....how can I put this delicately? Gas....she talked about and demonstrated how bad she had gas....she got so tickled at herself. She would laugh so hard. Too funny. Last weekend I rolled her hair - we had a fun time together - I dried it and would take the dryer and blow all over her....and she would just laugh laugh. All this time I have been without a washer - I have been washing clothes over her house - she hates folks using her washer - so I would just leave my laundry there - and she ended up washing clothes for me - which was nice for me and good for her I suppose.

Later yesterday I figured out why God sent us the $50 washing machine - because I had a flat tire (I am in desperate need of tires - they are terrible!) - while at Walmart - I just asked if they could patch it...they could not...there were not one...not two..not three but four nails in the blasted tire and they said it was split. Of course! So....$92 dollars later I had one new tire (tire cost was $75 - but tax and fees - took it to $92 - I am not understanding the fees) You will probably see collection cans at local gas stations to make up for the shortfall..ha ha ha ha. Just kidding - God provided and protected - because I could have had a blow out while driving and such. My goal -is to try to buy one every two weeks or so. By the time I finish buying them it will be time to rotate. ha ha ha ha

Every day life observations......

• And has anyone noticed the price of hotdogs and bacon? Really is there a shortage of pig?


• We visited our old church yesterday - it was nice.


• Tang and Manwich...Sam is into both.. What a combination.


• Tori's heart is hurting ....I hate that someone is hurting her...but she will be stronger.


• Dust...where does it come from?


• I bought a new mop. Two mops actually. A wet mop and a dust mop. I am up town!


• Steve is delivering our book route today. What a blessing!
  


• Tori is enjoying college. I am so proud.


• Sam is doing well in football. I am so proud.


• It is literally 30 degrees cooler than last week - I have our windows open. Yeah!
  

Today it is hard for me to be positive.

I feel guilty for having the feelings I have when so many others are sick, homeless, alone - I could go on.

I am trying to decide what God is teaching me...what am I supposed to be doing? I think I am failing miserably at all of it.

I am discouraged. And oh so sad.

KRAZY KITCHEN KAOS

Okay, I played with the spelling...had to make it fit...

Last night was nuts in our home.

First of all - I had a little fender bender. And I am still not 100% convinced it was my fault. Hmmmmmm. I had a rough day at work - I wish I had the words to adequately describe and explain how many times my phone rings - it is unreal. Top it off with emails and live chats - it gets to me.

Backy to Krazy Kitchen Kaos...

Everyone had something to say last night - and I mean everyone! Mom was with us - she was like a toddler....I kept tripping on her!

Sam decided his arm was fractured - though he was moving it, swinging it, etc.....he needed some TLC and some tylenol and a cool cloth. Plus he has a horrendous cold - which kept him home today - he feels terrible. Naturally he was STARVING last night too.

Tori was working on school stuff - looking up things - so every few minutes - she was calling me to the computer and had something to say.

I ignored three phone calls from friends.

Steve was stressed from work - and he was STARVING. He wants an IPHONE 4 - and he can can upgrade - so he is talking abou that - but that is something we can't spend the money on right now.

The dog was under my feet at every turn.

We had BBQ chicken, peas, fried potatoes and peach cobbler - and boy did everyone eat. Except me - I was too wiped to eat. And I felt so nervous and exhausted.

I felt guilty - it is like I couldn't handle all that needed to be handled - I am in need of a vacation or some time away. I am burned out.

#60

Sam played in his very first game last night - he is on defense - and did really well.

I was so excited and so very proud.

Love you Sam!

And Diane thought she was in accounting....


Well, Diane is now a nurse.

Well, a phone nurse.

Well, a pretend phone nurse.

Yesterday evening mom was giving me fits - I had already talked to my friend Diane about "pretending" to be a nurse and call mom. Well.....she had to put her acting skills to the test last night...she was met with rave reviews.

I get to my moms yesterday - she is in a mood...a tizzy. She won't eat - won't take her med. So I send Diane a text - go ahead and call her.

"Nurse Diane" calls mom - reminds her to eat and take her medicine. Mom says....“Who are you again?” “I’ll take it before I go to bed.” “I’ve been eating all day.” “Hufffffff, okay I’ll eat and take it.” But the second she gets off the phone - she said "I have to take my medicine - give me my plate - I have to eat...." Diane was dying with laughter after she got off the phone - of course I couldn't laugh until I left. I am learning a few tricks along the way to deal with mom - each day is an adventure. If I don't laugh - I would cry all the time.

What is the sign of true friendship? I am sure there are many. Well, one of them is your friend pretending to be a nurse so your 81 year old mother will take her medicine and eat.

Too funny.

Observations.......


#60 - That is Sam's number in football - tonight he starts. He is so excited. The only bad thing - he has a cold and was feeling washed out this morning. I can't wait until tonight. He should play next week too. I am so proud of him - he is a good sportsman - kind to others. But still competitive. I am so proud.

Aug 29 - Tori's first day as a college freshman. Wow. I am so proud.

August 2010 - The last time I received a child support payment on time - I have received money since- but not much. Very frustrating.

Alzheimer's - Still hate it.

#2 Pencils - Sam goes through 2 a day - at the end of the day - they are little nubs of about 2 inches and in his jeans pocket.

Milk - Mom herself drinks about 2 gallons a week - we drink 2 1/2 gallons. Glad to know we support our local dairy.

French Dressing - This is what I say to Steve....."pardon me - would you like some lettuce with your dressing?"

Chicken Strips - and I kid you not - Sam ate 10 of them last night - plus 4 pieces of Texas Toast and two helpings of corn. Talk about growing boys.

Pony tail holders ---they multiply - I find them in every room of the house. That's my Tori!

Fundraisers - They are coming - they are not my favorite thing to do.

Mom - Thinks I am her nurse...and that is sure is nice of Steve and his wife to allow me to stay with them. Too funny.

Blankets - Mom slept with 5 of them last night - and I thought I was cold natured. Whew. When I went to her house last night - she had her heat on - it was 95 degrees outside.

$15 - mom has a huge yard - but that is all she pays her yard guy - and he takes it. They are like Driving Ms. Daisy. I kid you not!

Raise - sure would like one! :)

My friend - DC - I have a neat and funny story to share later. Blessed to know her. She is a sister to me.

My friend - CL - she is out of town this week - we stay in touch by email - but I miss her! She is a sister to me.

My friend and coworker - SB in Florida - she inspires me!

These awesome ladies keep me in check - help me through so much - what a blessing

"SLICK MARTHA HORN"

Mom had a rough rough week last week. It was discouraging and very frustrating for all of us.

But then I found out something.....

For some reason - when she leaves her house - I am no longer her daughter - I am her nurse..so this weekend she spent the night at our house...I was giving her medicine and she whispered...."You know there are two little pills that I am supposed to take every day...well I haven't been taking them - I hide them...but don't tell the other Becky." I didn't say a word.....

Those little pills she hides - calm her and such. I found her stash....and I had one friend call her and pretend she was a nurse to let her know she should take these pills..and another (DC) said she will do the same.

Those pills are nothing short of a miracle...she still has rough moments - but nothing like last week. She will rest, she will eat and stays relatively calm. Whew. Now I know why we had such a bad week. She didn't take them!

She is slick!

I am laughing!

I HATE HATE HATE THIS DISEASE AND ALL THAT IT DESTROYS!

Dear Me,

Okay, the week started out okay. Pretty good actually.

But it went downhill from there.

Mom had a rough rough week. I am so tired, so sad, so discouraged. A decision will have to be made soon.

Steve had a bad accident - thankfully he was not hurt - no one was hurt. But it really got to me.

The washing machine is still out......

I have four cold sores ...ugh...I know they came up because of stress.

We really need that financial miracle. The basics seem unattainable at the moment.

So, what do I tell myself?

Not to worry? Not to stress? Not to be sad?

God is in control - He loves me. All this is happening for a reason.

So this is my letter of pity - I write it so I can look back later and see how God provided.

This is a prayer. Please please God help.

Be kind to that person on the other end of the phone, or behind the counter, or the one serving your lunch.

He or she is barely making over minimum wage, has a family and is probably stressed with 5000 phone calls.

:)

Copied the above image....go ahead and cheat and read a little.

But go see this movie .... more importantly...READ the book. You know a book? Actual paper - where you flip pages..mark your spot when you stop by a bookmark or folding a corner back?

Awesome Movie...Awesome Book.

Steve took me to see this movie and gave me the book for my birthday this weekend.

ME, KEYS,PIZZA, MOM, AND A DUMPSTER


Let's face it - life is an adventure. Especially mine of late!

Yesterday I took mom with me to deliver books - she helps count books along the way - good for her. Good for me...I don't have to worry about what she is doing.

No matter what time we start, no matter what time she last ate...she always wants to eat before we start. So, I go to Little Caesar's pizza....she enjoys it - quite impressed the pizza is only $5. :)

We enjoy the pizza sitting in the car - we head to pick up our books. I plan to throw away our trash - so I gather all of it up - pizza box, napkins, drink bottles, etc.... and toss it in - and then I hear the clink - I threw my keys in the dumpster. Great - germ phobic me knows what has to be done. I get a chair from the warehouse (where books are located) - and also grab a broom. I use the broom to poke around inside the dumpster - didn't want any critters. Fortunately - this isn't a food dumpster - most of it is paper and cardboard. (I am so thankful I don't have to worry about foreign DNA! ugh!) I climb into the dumpster - find my keys..I look up - mom is standing right beside the dumpster holding her little brown purse. She is worried I won't be able to get out! There really is no elegant lady like way to climb out of a dumpster or into one for that matter. Just as I have thrown my second leg over the top - another driver for another magazine pulls up - laughing - he said he wished he had a camera. I just burst out laughing.

Too funny.



(I still go into bathroom and wash up the best I could. And I had hand sanitizer in the car...well yesterday...it was leg sanitizer, arm sanitizer...body sanitizer!)

Why Prozac Was Invented......

The below post about the washing machine is one reason why it was invented.

A few more...

Tori has had car issues all week - she has my mother's little truck. I ask her this morning...."Tori do you have gas? Are you good?" She's good she says - all total - she has put

$30 in the tank. I get to work - typing away - and my phone rings...she is out of gas on the highway..I have to borrow a gas can from the warehouse here and go rescue her. She is ever so patient sitting there. Without her emergency flashers on the highway! Her logic - she didn't want every truck driver or man stopping to help her. In some way she made sense.

Her scholarship/school money was limbo - we were sweating it. Between us we had to scrape (literally) half the balance. I was a faxing fool...but last night - she got the call - just pay the half and the scholarship should be in. She will get her $ back. Praise the Lord!

Bless her heart...money is so tight...she sold some old jewelry of mine that I had given her...neither of us are jewelry folks so she could have the money - it didn't bother me - I am not the senitmental type when it comes to jewelry - but leave my books alone- but she got a good bit..so that was a blessing.

Back to my washing machine saga..it went out mid load - so for almost two days water and clothes were in there....I had to threaten death and divorce to get my hubby to drain - which he said took him all of 10 minutes. (Good thing I called last night to let him know I was on my way home - because I had to squeeze out the laundry -but left the water...so it was obvious that he just finished draining before I walked in the door.) And he did the dishes. The whole house knew what happened with mom and the washing machine -so I probably could have gotten anything done last night.

Be in prayer...we need a washing machine - and still really do need a financial miracle.

Me, Mom, Tide, and the Washing Machine......

My washing machine has gone out. Caput. No money to buy one. I am praying one falls from Heaven...sigh......

So last night - I take my happy self to moms to wash clothes. Now even before Alzheimer's my mom has had this thing about her washing machine - she doesn't like people using it...and I mean no one using it. Could be Mr. Kenmore himself - and she wouldn't like it.

But I had no choice....

I take laundry to wash - she pitches a fit. Told her tough - we are just gonna have to deal with it. I forgot detergent - she doesn't have any or she had hidden it somewhere - so I need to go buy some...while I am gone - she puts all my laundry on the patio. I come back - take it back in - and start load #1. I stretch out on the couch - plan on listening to a Focus on Family Podcast (I so need it - because I am so in the flesh and grouchy -mouthy - I don't care if she does have Alzheimer's-I am about to lose it at this point)..she calls my name....."Becky, your laundry is done." Hmmmm..Already? She had stopped the machine - and pulled all the laundry out - dripping wet. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.

sooooooooooooo at this point I am mad....I grab the laundry - put it back in the macine - take a chair in the utility room and park myself right by the machine - this is where I sat for about an hour. Now that will bless you.

I left - both of us aggravated and mad.

Today I can laugh......last night I was furious. She probably doesn't even remember it today.

Another observation from my drive around Memphis....

Maybe "Cross Your Heart" is too subtle...maybe they should call it - "Just put it all in girl!"

Ha ha ha ha

So far so good.....

Day three of school and I have survived packing Sam's lunch and getting him up. And he is hard to wake up! Football has been hard - he goes from loving it to hating it. It is safe to say he won't have a career in football.. ha ha. 7th grade - that is unreal to me....hard to believe.

It has been different not having Tori head off to school...oh, I know she will start college soon and will still be at home - it is in my mind how she has grown so quickly. I just want to hold her for another day. She has been home in the evenings more the past few nights - and I like it. I like hearing doors and drawers shut a dozen times, like seeing her light on in her room and just knowing she is home!

Mom had a rough Sunday but a good Monday. She gets lonely - the loneliness turns to sadness - that is a major battle each day for her and for me.

It is hard....

Not to be overwhelmed with life.......

Not to be sad as Alzheimer's traps moms mind......

Not be exhausted....working 6-7 days a week is taking a toll....I don't know how much longer I can hold out....

Not to be discouarged...no child support in what seems forever....back to school shopping was hard this year.


It is easy.......

To appreciate moments of clarity and brief memory from mom.......

To apprecaite our jobs and our home.....

To have healthy, happy, kids......

To appreciate and be in awe of The Cross...


May I appreciate and cherish these things and so many more daily....

Observation:

Why are folks always so grumpy and ill on Monday?

Move over Betty Crocker...


Tori is in the house! She made a casserole and brownies yesterday. And she swept, mopped and dusted! And did laundry.

Whoo hoo!

What is that....sniff...smell?

I go into Sam's room this morning - to wake him up for this first day of school - technically registration - and there is this awful smell...

It was his shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ONE WAY TO GET YOUR SON BACK ON THE RIGHT SLEEPING TRACK.....

Have him practice football in full pads in August in Tennessee. (I really think they should do morning workouts-seems to be it would be safer)

Sam's sleep pattern has been all whacked out all summer - staying up real late - sleeping late - which in all honesty, I don't mind because I know where he is at all times. He is not gallivanting around the neighborhood when I am not there. And then when I am home - I know where he is at. Works out nicely.

School starts tomorrow - I was worried about how he would adjust.....well football took care of that.

Pray for safety for him and all football players......it is hard on them...it is hot hot hot hot.

YOU ARE ACTUALLY WEARING THAT?

I drive all over Memphis once a week - and you should see what I see!

Not that I am some beauty queen - but really - do these folks not look in the mirror?

What happened to modesty? Decent covering?

I just want to say...excuse mam...you may want to tuck and hide... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Better late than never....


Below are some pictures from prom, graduation and Sam's Birthday.

Sam's 13th Bday party - this group of boys can eat!
Steve's youngest- Davin graduating - He is so handsome!

Yeah Davin!

Tori and Sam after Tori's Graduation

Your's truly and the kiddos

Before Graduation - aren't they great?

Tori - I'm so proud

Prom Night

16 HOURS

That is how long I slept from Friday night until Saturday. I have never ever done that.

I guess the stresses of life took it's toll and my body needed it.

Minus the wine....this is how I feel.

Whew. I am tired.

Matthew 11:28 - NLT

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.


Now I ask myself as I read this verse today...why don't I do this as often as I should?

Alzheimer's

I hate it

Things have so rough these past few days.

Why we are going through this a second time - I just don't understand.

A lot to be thankful for...


Mom had a good week and weekend. Yeah! Tori or I have been over there each night - taking or cooking dinner - and the difference is obvious. She ate better all week. I took her to the store and Arby's today - she loves Arby's.


Sam is home - we left Friday night for Nashville - - stayed overnight --picked him up Saturday. He ran to me and picked me up! ha. It is so good to have him home - he hugged on me all day yesterday - and said this morning "I am so glad to see you and be home. I missed you, I missed home, I missed my bed!"

On Saturday after picking up Sam - we did some sight seeing around Nashville - it was fun - we tried to do "free" stuff - it was sooooooooooo hot! But it was good to get away from the normal every day life of things. (While we were out of town - a friend visited mom and took her dinner - thanks CL!)

Tori, bless her heart, is working a lot. She needs to buy tires - I wish we could help her - we are still struggling - I need tires myself. They are so expensive. I long for the days of $100 set of tires and they last about 100,000 miles - or so it seemed.

At this moment - it so hot - I am so grateful for air conditioning.

Please continue to pray that we see some financial relief...soon. God continues to provide and I know He will always do so.

Fourth Of July.....

This was a weird one for me.

Sam has gone to Nashville to visit his dad. The Fourth of July is like Christmas to Sam....he loves...loves his fireworks...I hated that he wasn't home. He is so much fun. I did buy him some fireworks to enjoy when he returns. (we are going to get him this weekend -I miss him!)

Tori pretty much worked the whole time - she hung out with friends as should an 18 year old girl. But I love her so. I need to plan a mother-daughter day here real soon.

Steve and I worked all day Sunday - we missed church - I was so sick with pain in my right side. Because of me being sick - we got such a late start delivering books -but he did most of the work - I am grateful - because I felt that bad! My side is still bothering me. Ugh. I laid on a heating pad most of Sat night. I didn't get any house and yard work done the whole weekend. Or bookkeeping - I will be playing catch up big time.

Mom did not have a good weekend at all. I am still stressed and tired. I hate this! She is not eating right - and that is a lot of our problem right now. I am mulling ideas over in my mind right now on how to make sure she eats. Steve and I talked - looks like I am going to be going
over there each night and prepare something or take something to her. When she doesn't eat I am sure it is messing up her blood sugar and she is more out of it than usual. She doesn't' feel good - which again I attribute to lack of eating.

This sounds more like a whining post -but just needed to vent.

Last night, Sam was sitting in the recliner....I looked at Sam and had to do a double-take...."Sam what is that?!" He looked and me and said "What?"

I don't know why or even how I noticed it...but he had this real thin - light fuzz above his lip!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. When did this happen? He was 4 years old yesterday with curls.

He didn't even notice it....but a few minutes later...I caught him stretching and looking in the mirror and rubbing above his lip.

For this alone I will need therapy.

This week Sam is supposed to go visit his dad. I know it is important for him to spend time with him - I don't begrudge that. I normally enjoy the break - but this time I just don't want him to go - I have no peace about it. Please be in prayer.

I must admit - I miss teaching children's choir. I pray God opens that door again one day. But Realistically I know I don't have time. Mom is my ministry right now. But I miss it so! I love music.

I heard a child singing behind me in church today...and thought...there is some talent! Sweet little girl too. Real shy. I teach her in children's church.

I am blessed to have many good friends. DC is like a sister, but I also have a new friend, who is become so much like a sister - I can call, email or text my feelings to her just as I can DC and feel comfortable and not judged - does that even make sense? My new friend is CL. I need to get my two sisters together soon! They will love each other.

Still praying for the miracle....I know it is in all God's timing. Utter Dependence and Obedience is what He wants from me.

Have a good week everyone.

It has been a real rough week for mom. I hate Alzheimer's - to have two parents that have suffered from it...it is hard..I am sure harder for them....but I still hate it.

The other night - Mom wanted to spend the night...I went and picked her up. She forgot her pajama pants - so I loaned her a pair of Tori's. My mom is real skinny....but she looked so funny in the hot pink money pj pants her pink flowered night gown. We had a good laugh....she danced around the house.

She thinks every day is Sunday...except for when it is Sunday...then she thinks it is Tuesday.

We went to lunch yesterday - she ate a Hamburger Steak with Gravy and baked potato plus a salad...she really enjoyed it. Then we went to the store.

She came over again today....we went to the store again. Man that woman goes through the groceries.

Everyday mom needs to be told what day it is.

Everyday she wants BBQ and ice cream.


Sign out

It is still hot hot hot.

Still praying for that financial miracle. I know God has a plan.

Please continue to pray...we still need that financial miracle.

Though I must share...God is providing every day in the neatest ways. He is so Good!.

IT IS HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Bracelet for 37 Years.......

On Saturday evening after going to a movie, Steve, Sam and I went to the replica of The Vietnam Wall. It was in Memphis for just three days....I am so glad we went.

We had the pleasure of meeting and talking with several veterans.

We approached the wall (I am proud to say my son took his hat off when he reached them memorial without being told!) - and just to see all those names. Most of them boys....probably not long from shaving and getting their license. Important to someone...loved by someone. Along the wall you would see memorials - gifts that people left, rocks, flowers, hats, pictures, letters...there was one that got to me. It was written by a wife...she wrote the following...."I have worn your bracelet for 37 years, I will continue to wear it until you are home or until we meet in heaven."

Her husband missing in action...I am trying to imagine what she has gone through and faced. I picture her as a young bride...maybe with a baby....watching as a Chaplain approached her door.
Not knowing...has to be terrible...worse than knowing.

Memorial Day...

Thank you to all those who have served and are serving.

You are loved and appreciated.

Just Don't Call the Police!!!!!!!


Mom has Alzheimer's....but she is still in her own home, we hope to keep her there for as long as we can...because she will go down fast if she is taken out of her little world. But by keeping her in own home...I stay busy!

Yesterday (Sunday) she called me and was so upset..."Becky, Tori and Sam have taken everything out of my house...it is all gone!" I try to calm her down and and tell her kids are not there, her house if fine.....

Well, that didn't work.

She called 911. She called me back to let me know the police were on the way.....

I call the dispatcher (a number I now have saved in my phone!) - let them know what is going on, explain mom, etc....

Luckily I am close by...Steve is too...we meet up....and go to mom's she is in a state! She is mad at me, mad at Tori and Sam, she is carrying her purse, her sweater and her makeup around the house....she starts yelling at me, I'm tired, I lose patience, I yell and fuss (which is not a good thing to do with an Alzheimer's patient).....she loses patience, poor Steve is just standing there looking at us like we both have Alzheimer's.....looking back...I am sure we both looked nuts!

Anyhooooo.......We finally got her calmed down...she spent the night with us.....we ate breakfast this morning and went to Walmart...I told her what happened...she got so tickled.

The lesson I learned? Pray before I interact with mom...be more patient.

I have to laugh to keep from crying...

I have talked to mom every hour since I took her home....I am telling her each time "Don't call the Police!" She laughs.

Estelle...in answer to your question....

We are praying for a financial miracle!

We need prayer!

Pray for a miracle.

We survied Prom Night!

Whew!

An exciting week...I will post pictures...I promise..

Sam's 13th Bday - I will write that post soon.

Tori's Prom and award banquet.

Graduation.

Wow! I am so proud of the kids. I love them so.

Make up...

My mother needed make up - so we went to buy some. She is so proud of her blush, eyebrow pencil and face cream.

For mother's day we gave her lipstick. She likes her lipstick.

Milk.....

She is 81 and drinks a lot of milk!

Keys.....

She constatntly misplaces keys she doesn't really neeed. It can be so aggravating at time.


Patience.....

Something I have'nt excercised of late. I need to do better.

Yeah!


It stopped raining - and we have a beautiful day. The sun is shining.

Need prayer...

Financial miracle! Only God can.

FCCLA STUDENT OF THE YEAR............



TORI MILLS!


Yeah Tori! I am so proud.

Antiques....

Spent my lunch break today at a local antique store...my childhood memories and favorites are now antiques.

For example...

Bionic Woman Thermos - I also had Wonderwoman!
Nancy Drew Books - I think I read everyone
Holly Hobbie Pictures -Would love to have these
Fisher Price Chalkboard - 1972
Fisher Price Cash Register - 1972

And so much more!


Again, my childhood favorites are antiques...how depressing. Ha! I may need therapy! Or I may go back and take a trip down memory lane.

A belated Happy Easter!


Thank you for the Cross and all that it means and all it did for me!

Way to go Tori!


Tori won 1st place at State Competition for FCCLA in her category - Chapter Project! I am very very proud.

Good Job girlie!

The biggest part of my job is customer service.

So for all you out there....please be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. Or the one behind the counter or the one serving your food.

Light Switch Memory

My mother spent the day with me yesterday - for the most part she was with it and knew what was going on. (We had a hamburger and milk shake!) Then at the end of our day - we went to grocery store. She didn't' want to walk around - she sat at a table set up near the deli. I kept going back to check on her.

Well....lesson learned.....she got up and started looking for me. She found me....by the time we got to the car...she didn't know who I was. It literally was like a light switch. One minute it was there and on...the next it wasn't - in fact no where near on or there. I will never take her to a store and let her out of my sight again!

We got back to her house. She was so confused. It was sad. We sat down, went through pictures and the family Bible...slowly memory came back - though not a 100%. I wonder how much longer even the fuzzy memories will be around. She went through her little house, looking at each family picture...naming each person..only a few she didn't know. Touching each one as if her fingertips would help bring the names to mind..maybe they did. I wonder how often she does that during the day. At that moment, I wanted to take her home with me and just protect her. I want to wage a battle against hateful Alzheimer's Disease -and all that it robs.

Do you think kids will figure out that dirty laundry cannot make it to the clothes hamper by itself?

I must admit I lost my patience with mom last night on the phone. I was tied up in bookkeeping, tired and drained. I must do better! She really can't help it.

Sam will soon be 13.... Need I say more? He is getting taller by the day. Long arms and lean back. When did it happen?

Mom memories..... Mom told this story to me a few weeks ago...it appears her parents had one of those up and down marriages...one night her "Papa" came home all in a romantic mood - however he had been out with his buddies - drinking. Well her mama wasn't in the mood - she chased him out of the house by hitting him with her houseshoes. (I said it then and I say it now...I never knew her mom - but I think I take after her in temperment! Ha!) ____________________________________________________________________ Mom remembers starting her monthly cycle when she was picking cotton. _____________________________________________________________________ She remembers her mother's corn bread and potatoes - said it was one of the best meals she ever ate.

Thankful.... I am thankful for the scattered memories my mom has. I am learning more and more about her childhood and teen years.

Angels.... Yesterday my mom called me crying...she was hiding. She told me two angels each had her by one hand....trying to take her away. I wish I understood more. Is God preparing me? Preparing our family? Preparing her?

Miscellaneous updates and information...................... Doctor appoitment went well...everything is okay....gotta take Vitamin E. Watch how much caffenine and chocolate I eat and drink. Ummmm that will be a struggle for me! Addicted to caffenie and love love love chocolate. Just have to keep an eye on returning lumps, etc. ___________________________________________________________________ 45 minutes..... The time my mother spent in Dollar General. She walked the entire store twice - aisle by aisle. But she enjoyed it. _____________________________________________________________________ Arby's....... Mom loves the Jr. Roast Beef.....tempted to write the company and tell them how this little 81 year old Alzheimer patient loves their sandwhiches and turnovers! _____________________________________________________________________ Prom....... Tori is going to prom. Yeah! I am looking forward to dress shopping with her. And yes I know we will disagree on some stuff...but it will still be fun. I can't wait! ____________________________________________________________________ Girlfriend ........Sam still has one. He is l brushing his teeth and using deodorant without being told. Ah...young love. ____________________________________________________________________ Hamburgers & Hotdogs....... Cooked out on the grill for the 1st time this season....and they were good. Guess what I brought for my lunch today? _____________________________________________________________________ 6:00 a.m.

The time Steve has to be at work all week. EEWWWWW. He gets up at 4:00. I don't know how he does it. I barely make 8:00.

_____________________________________________________________________

A busy, hectic week....but blessed!

Today was a rough start to my mother's day. She didn't sleep well last night - and she was confused this morning. I had to go over there sit for a bit until she calmed down and collected her thoughts. I wish I had a better understanding of Alzheimer's. It is horrible. Though she has not progressed as fast as my dad did - it is still sad to see her go down. I sometimes wonder why we are going through this a second time - physical problems are so much easier to deal with than mental. I guess that is selfish of me. Mom is trapped in her own mind. And that is very sad. I know God has plan - nothing happens without Him "touching" it first - but I wish I just understood. Pray for me..... A few weeks ago I found a couple of lumps ....I have had a mammogram and a diagnostic ultrasound...today I go and have them drained or whatever it is..and they will look at the tissue. The doctor seems to think they are just fluid filled cysts...but it is in the back of my mind..the what if's and such. He wants to make sure - and I am glad he wants to make sure.

Alot can be said for a card....... A couple of weeks ago...Sam told us he had a girlfriend....then the next day he said he didn't have one and didn't want to talk about it. (I thought you only had this sort of drama with girls?) Yesterday he proudly showed us a musical card Miss Wishy Washy gave him. I guess he has a girlfriend. He put the card by his TV. Right now he is not one to text - goodluck to anyone wanting to text him. I wonder if this will change. Needless to say, he likes his card......we all oohed and awwed over it.

A way to communicate...... My girl and I both are learning how to handle her being 18 and graduating high school.... Without revealing details of all that we have been discussing....here is some advice I wrote to her last Friday - I want to share with you.....I think a lot of us need to follow. (This is just part of it...the rest of it is just for me and her!) To Tori....... A friend reminded me recently the relationship between a mother and daughter is special - they are intertwined because they are mother and daughter - and then as they both get older - both are women in different stages - one has already been where the other is headed- being a woman is a special thing - because we are created to be nurturers, caretakers, soothers, we worry, we laugh and we cry. We relate to the physical pain and emotional pain of another woman - faster than a man ever would - that is how we are made. With that being said - we both are learning something- I am learning how to let go and let you fly and grow and pray harder than before. You are learning to fly and grow - but as you fly and grow - learn how to respond and treat others. Don't be quick to fly off the handle - pray before major decisions - pray before little decisions. Pray for your relationships. (family, friends, work - they are all important). Pray silently before speaking- this is something I totally need to do - because I always speak before I should. The letting go is hard - harder than I thought. But I will do better. I also worked with someone who had 4 teens at the same time - and he said he used to worry - then after the first two put him through many a sleepless night - he learned the following -and he said this, it will always stick in my mind "If at the end of the day and the week, if the kids are not in jail, the hospital or pregnant or at the funeral home.. the rest of it(problems) can be fixed. And even if one of the first three happen - they can usually be solved or dealt with - it is just the last that you cannot fix." All and all I have been blessed - you have a good head on your shoulders - I appreciate that much. Don't forget what you have been taught, where you came from and don't lose focus on where you are going. Trust God!

This past weekend was weekend of projects, chores and such. Boy am I tired. We mowed, weeded, washed, cleaned, swept, pulled.....you name it...it was done on the outside. I need to really clean the inside and I also plan to give the dog a haircut with my newly purchased dog clippers/shears. Whew. ____________________________________________________________________ Mom is still the same. The Alzheimer's rears its ugly head late in the afternoons - but sometimes it is an all day thing. It is sad and discouraging. I really do miss my dad. _____________________________________________________________________ Tori has a bad case of Senioritis.....she has a boyfriend...who graduated last year from the purple and gold school...he doesn't want to go to her prom...she does.....they are in conflict right now. I personally don't see the conflict - its her prom - she needs to go. I think they will have it worked out this week. Hmmph. (It is hard for this mom to stay out of it - when I know she will regret not going! But I think they will go or she will anyway) We have paid senior fees and the invitations to graduation are at home. It hit me hard when I saw them. She continues to work hard at McDonald's - her room forever smelling like french fries. ha! ____________________________________________________________________ Sam will be 13 soon - he is playing football again. They are in weight training right now - he doesn't like weight training that much....but I want him to stick it out. The football is good for him for discipline, exercise, etc. I told him he doesn't have to be the best - just be part of something. He still plays outside and I call him the leader of the Nerf Gun brigade. However he is maturing and is noticing girls. He helped me from start to finish in our very unsuccessful yard sale a few weeks ago...he worked hard! It was the pay our utility bill yard sale...needless to say we payed the bill on prayer...prayer answered! _____________________________________________________________________ Steve and I are okay....we still are learning to merge and such. Three years...doesn't seem like it. _____________________________________________________________________ I need so much dental work done...I'm gonna start. I am embarrassed to even open my mouth! _____________________________________________________________________ Church is going great - we teach children's church. We have a regular Eddie Haskel in the group. Whew! But we have fun. ______________________________________________________________________ I like my job...but I need to make more money. I know God will provide...but we are so struggling! ______________________________________________________________________ Tornadoes in our area today...I think some areas of Memphis took a hard hit. Pray for these folks. ____________________________________________________________________ Well, closing for now. Love to all!

Praise the Lord! God provides in many ways! I am so thankful and so appreciative.

Going to the Movie..... Last night Sam asked us if we would take him and his girlfriend to a movie this weekend. I told him yes - only if were okay with her parents. I received the following instructions: I am to dress nice. We cannot sit in the same movie. I told him I was going to wear a mumu and sit right behind them..if not beside them. Ha!

Need much much prayer!

Need a miracle!

Specific prayer....

Health
Marriage and Family
Finances
Job

I wish I had the words to explain just how tired I am. I need to stop allowing "life" get to me and wear me down.

Just need prayer....

Yard Sale....

Yep I'm having one! Whew! Hope it is successful.

We are calling this one "pay our utility bill" yard sale.

Ha!

It seems here lately we have been attacked with bad news, happenings and such from the left, right, front and back...it has been hard not to dwell or soak in them.

To keep from soaking......I have to think on all the things I appreciate and treasure....

The health of Tori and Sam. How blessed we are with good health!

The good days with mom - they are fewer and far between - but we do have them...just last Saturday her eating a BBQ plate and enjoying it.

Wonderful time in Children's church last week - the kids listened and learned.

My job - though it does not pay a whole lot - they are flexible and understand sick kids and my mom.

Good moments with Steve.

And most importantly - I know Jesus loves me and He died for me.

Quick request.....

Need prayer.

So much is going on and happening at the moment......whew hard not to worry and feel overwhelmed.

Thank you.

I will have a positive attitude today!

Tori had a project to complete last night...and it was on.....the 80's! Whoo hoo!

She had to look up music, tv, news, music, fashion, and fads. I had so much fun. I ended up listening to Journey, Bruce, and Brian Adams.

As part of her presentation....she wore my Born In The USA concert t-shirt. Awwwww....

I have two good kids.....not perfect...but good.

Appreciation.....


I appreciate my husband.
I appreciate my children.
I appreciate my sisters and parents.
I appreciate my friends.
I appreciate my job.
I appreciate my freedom and those who do so much to protect it.
I appreciate and cherish the fact that Jesus died for me and I am saved and going to heaven.

Observations...

There are some women who can wear low cut - or just v-neck shirts...and then are some who shouldn't. (This from when we were out and about yesterday)

If there are so many honor students (per all the bumper stickers) in the world - why are we in America last when it comes to math and science?

Really...you drive a new model Mercedes and you are public assistance? I don't understand.

I don't think we can handle $4.00 gallon gas...it will kill us!

Resolutions....

I didn't make any...but I want to:

...Control my temper
...Control my tounge
...Control my thoughts

...read my Bible more (if I do this - I do believe the above three will be accomplished!)

...be more positive and encouraging

...be a better wife

...be a better mom

...Be a better person

Yes, I know I am late..

But Happy New Year.

This party animal went to bed about 10:00 New Year's Eve. I spent about two hours of my holiday night - sorting through a box of pictures.

Whoo Hoo.