Honest Feelings

This is what my life, or maybe my mind feels like.  A boxing match.   Feelings fighting each other.

Mom has a new medicine and I am telling you 15 minutes after she takes it - she is sound asleep - so I am careful to give to her only right before bed time - and you know what I feel guilty for enjoying the time - guilty for giving her the medicine.   Is that crazy or what?

I can look back and honestly say mom has had Alzheimer's a long time - we just did not put 2 and 2 together. 

I do pretty good on not resenting her, I hate Alzheimer's but I love her.  My teeth have been knocked out - where she has punched me, jumped on my back from behind and pushing my head into a steering wheel - all these happened 2  years ago - a life time ago.  Goodness knows we still have moments.  I wish I had the $ to get teeth fixed.  (having a pity party at the moment - can you tell?) I am hoping a dental makeover contest is coming up - like it did this time last year.  I guess that is selfish. Otherwise - I just don't know what to do we are looking at 1000's of dollars of work.  And it is not there.

She doesn't make much sense when she talks - she knows what she is saying, and usually I can decipher -and she can read - so that is good.  She plays with her babies, still mops and dusts.  She has managed to hide most of her socks -which is really about to drive me insane because I really thought I knew all of them.  Unless they have found their way into the trash.

Then we have days she is so sweet and funny.  The affectionate mom throws me off - because she never was affectionate when I was growing up.  I knew she loved me - but I don't remember hugs, or kisses or even "good job."  Thankfully my dad was affectionate.

Yesterday we spent about 10 minutes playing catch with a towel - she just laughed and laughed.  So proud of herself for catching and throwing it.

When I tuck her into bed at night, she puts my hand to her cheek, and says "thank you for a lovely day.|" And it hits me, she doesn't remember any bad moments, sad moments, mad moments, she just knows love.

And when it comes down to it - that is what counts.  Love.

Thank you God for loving me and allowing me to love.