Yes I know.... Horrible

Yes, I know I am horrible!  It has almost been a year since  I last posted.  I just tried the app on my phone and I have to pay to publish, well no.  I guess I can write and then login later on computer to publish.  Seems like a lot of trouble to me. 

Quick updates:

Mom is still with us - bed ridden, but here.

Sam graduated high school, still plans to join the military - working on weight.  He met with recruiter yesterday.  He is working in the factory where I work, he may change jobs to a higher paying job.

Tori is fine - she is close to completing year one of full duty with PD.  She has a few classes she needs to take to finish school and obtain her degree.  We disagree on a few things - I wish she would listen to wisdom...if not that...experience. 

Steve is doing okay. Working hard. Very hard.  Still in unsafe neighborhoods.  I wish he could find a position on one property.

Steven Jr - is still very sick with mental and addiction issues.  We tried having police pick him up - but somehow he talked his way out of it. They would have kept him three days.  That would have given us time to obtain guardianship. 

Brandon - He is Colorado.  Doing fine.  He lost is job at Petco, but has found another.

Davin and Jordan - Are doing good.  Seem  happy. 

Eliza - beautiful, sweet, funny - we have yet to be able to travel to Colorado, they came here in January. 

Work - Well, we are in peak season. 


I am going to work on  posting with pics.  Wow, I had promised myself to keep this updated for my kids and grandkids so they would know my heart.

I will do better.

Dear beautiful girl

Dear beautiful girl...I'm watching you, like  me, you are trying to make yourself invisible. Like me, you have weight to lose-I'm sure it's an up and down battle. I see you looking at the other two girls your age and I'm glad to see you are friends with one. Do not compare yourself to others. It's a hard trap to escape. A hard cycle to break. I'm proud of you for what you are doing. Hopefully I will see you again, if nothing else I hope to be here at least 30-60 min 4 times a week. When you look in the mirror, I want you to see your beautiful skin and shiny hair. Green eyes and a pretty smile. God created you. Walk with confidence. You are His child. His creation. Your purpose today? To inspire me.

I'm such a good mom

Sam laughs at me when I tell him this. It's a joke between us. 

Scripture

I've read and listened to a lot on discouragement, depression and strength this week. 

 

 

 

 

Yup

I

I

 

I've been through more than some less than most. I'm not a beauty...but I'm stronger 

Exhaustion, sadness and then some

I'm trying a headset for the first time or an ear piece I should say.

Things are not all that great today. No sleep. Alzheimer's in full force today. And a lot more. I really do not like sharing pics of myself, I'm not that pretty...but I do want grandchildren on up to know what I look like. 😳😝😏

 

Sometimes

You just need to hear a voice. A gift.

Whew

It's 9:55 pm. I haven't sat down. Had senior parent meeting after work. Well, I came home, cooked breakfast for dinner, then went to meeting, then to the store. 

Dishes, laundry, changing mom, giving her a snack, getting lunches ready for tomorrow, and dog duty....

Yet I suffer from insomnia! 🙄

Sunday

Mom was pretty much up all night. She had a fever and was so restless. She finally went to sleep around 3:30 ish. 

Soooooo tired.

Killing Reagan

Tori bought this for me. Mr. O pulls no punches. I've stopped watching the news, this election makes me ill. I can say Cavuto, Gretchen Carlson and Mr. O are about the most fair on Fox. Fox has a lot of mess to clean up. 

Back to book---prologue broke my heart and captured my mind. It's fair and tough. 

 

What a difference!

20 degrees cooler than a week ago. One can breathe outside. 

 

Mrs. Beasley

I had a Mrs. Beasley Doll when I was little. I sure would like to have one now. Crazy is it not? I'm sure mom gave away at some point, she was not a sentimental sort. 

 

Friday Night Lights

A year of lasts....out last 1st home game. 

Cardinals won 42-8 - whoop whoop. If not on the field, Sam paces. I do the same at work if I'm sorting out a problem.

 

 

 

 

Caregiver in the final stages

It is Saturday. I am so lonely and so sad. Caregiving in the final stages is different. The cues on what is needed and wanted by mom are harder to read. To understand. 

I can remember those long days and nights at the beginning when I prayed she would just sit down for five minutes. When it seemed the medicine prescribed to calm her took forever to work. Now 1/4 th of that same medicine will knock her out for 24 hours. Her appetite is great. No problems swallowing. Mom will call me by name sometimes. 

She is bed ridden. I did hold her up and she took three steps the other night. Remembering one foot in front of the other.  I remembered when those skinny legs moved with her dust mop. 

I don't know if this is the source of my sadness. I have a feeling my caregiving will end as empty nesting officially begins. What will I do? My marriage is not that great. I'm tossing around a second job and online classes.  

If you want to know what my tonight looks like and what my tomorrow will be here are a couple of pics.  Please pray.

 

 

Tired

Tired is what I am. Mercy.

Financial stress

Financial stress is hard. I need a miracle. I seem to need one every month. My stronghold. 

Cassy

Cassy is with Jesus. She went into His arms last Monday..what would have been her 1st day of high school. 

Football

Deep thought 

  

These guys have played together since 5th grade. Sam is #61 on the left by #15

Live Loved

A quote I keep turning in my head from the Focus on the Family broadcast. 

"Live loved."

In other words, we all have disappointments, experience rejection, moments where we do not like ourselves, where we do not forgive ourselves, feel unworthy. We have to wipe those thoughts and feelings away. Do not allow Satan to remind you of anything --- Jesus has our future. 

Live loved.

We are loved by Jesus. 

Let's live loved, show love and give love. 

❤️❤️

Do you know Him? Do you know you are going to Heaven? He died for all our sins! He loves us that much!

Live loved!

 

 

Alzheimer's- arrrgghhhh

I had a pastor who said use your "sanctified imagination." Well, I'll say use your "caregiver only in the land of Alzheimer imagination." 

After my time out period, I had to clean mom up..more than a bed bath was required. 😷 

Set up bathroom, shower chair, warm towels, warm bathroom, all that was needed within reach. Wheel chair to potty (praise the Lord just in time) ..potty to shower chair. It begins...my 100 lb UFC fighter makes her appearance. As I am washing her (sweating because it feels like a blasted sauna in bathroom) she puts both hands around my neck and chokes me. I had to grip side of tub with one hand, water starts flowing everywhere, my other hand on her shoulder trying to get her to let go. She finally lets go. We wrap up bath time...do all the drying, hair fixing, transferring, and praise Jesus for Seroquel. She snores!