Totally behind

I will post pictures and other updates later.  I am so behind in EVERYTHING.  I haven't let it get to me - just taking things a day at a time.  I have so much swirling in my head.

This has been a hard month.  Appliances breaking, unexpected bill, me not feeling that great (probably from stress) ... you know LIFE.

I have to be honest - our marriage is under so much strain - I am a wreck.  Where is all this strength, courage and faith supposed to come from?

Mom is okay - she is not walking.  But can if she wants to.  She is still eating and swallowing.  Playing with babies and toys.  And will talk.  Will respond to you - but you have to be eye level - looking directly at her - you can't talk across the room or from behind. Alzheimer's patients have tunnel vision.  They only can focus on what is directly in front of them.  I am considering calling in hospice for extra help -  they evaluate Alzheimer's patients differently. By talking to Melecia, if they came today, they would ask why they were called.  I am still thinking about it.

I went to church on Sunday - our pastor spoke on peace - and it hit me hard - in the midst of these life's troubles - I have been focusing on the troubles and the worry and not on His face.  This time last year - my nephew had cancer.  He is cancer free today.  I looked around church and saw people who a year and days far worse than I did.  What is a refrigerator problem compared your child having cancer?  What is a hot water heater - knowing this will be your last Christmas with your wife or husband?

And I have been battling memories.  I just do not have many memories from childhood. There really are not that many pictures of my childhood.  My parents were in middle age and grand parents at the same time.  Well, as mom has been chattering - things are coming back and they are not good memories - so I guess as some of sort of internal/emotional protection - I blocked them.  I am going to share - a form of therapy for me.  Now, I can see them as clearly as the screen in front of me, from clothes, to scents, etc.

At six years old - I remember being in a room with dad, he was drunk, he held a gun to his head.  I remember my oldest sister coming through a window to get me.  Dad later overcame this problem - he and mom were separated - he had an affair - but I guess I just chose not to remember.  I remember him falling out of the attic drunk.  What a horrible thing to remember.

Momma used to hit me in the face all the time (still does) with shoes or whatever.  She was verbally abusive.  It has been hard to overcome this as her caregiver.    My sister asked how I could take care of mom - based on what happened in the past.  I told her I have to forgive daily. We are forgiven by God, we must forgive.

Happier posts and such to follow - I just wanted to share and document before it slipped my mind.